Humorous Short Stories (G-PG)

[Rookie]

For the last 2 years i've been writing these short stories for my friends. They are usually pretty short and i send them to my friends in little packets.

For the purposes of the forum, i'll say how i was inspired to write these stories.
Comments are welcome. They may get a little violent, but no great detail. They're designed to entertain.

I was inspired by the author Patrick F. McManus, but i took these stories into my own little world. None of these stories are true, but are based on inspirations from the real world.
The names of the characters are based on my friends, since i like to put them in situations and making them react in certain ways.

Like i said, comments are welcome. I've put either alot, or very little thought into these, depending on how much detail is in em.
Enjoy! 8)

[Rookie]

Alrighty, this was done pretty quick and a spurr of the moment.

When Hamsters Plot

Sitting in Alex’s living room I suddenly noticed the rodent cage in the corner. “Alex, why is there a rodent cage in your house?” I asked.
“There is a rodent within! Behold! A hamster!” Alex said shaking the cage until a fluffy hamster popped out of the cardboard tube. It fixed an evil stare at Alex and grumbled as it went into the cut up tissue box.
“Did that hamster just grumble?” I asked.
“It always does that. I suspect it will be the death of us all. Pay it no heed though, it likes attention. I will not have it satisfied. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT PUNK!?” Alex yelled at the cage thrusting his hips forward in a rhythmic motion.
Later I walked past the cage and saw it hunched over with its back turned. I tried to look but it scampered into the box. I looked within and saw it looking over its shoulder at me, glaring evilly.
Shaking off the feeling of helplessness, I walked past just as Jordan and Donnie broke the door down. We enjoyed igniting fires and watching TV as well as other unusual activities.
That night, we were passed out all over Alex’s room. I awoke to the sound of a chainsaw starting up. I rolled over and beheld what appeared to be a chainsaw self-propelled about to sever Alex’s head. Instantly I suspected Tice was near, but disregarded it and decided it was witch-craft. “BEGONE FOUL DEMON!!” I shrieked. Alex awoke and screamed as I struck the hell-sent chainsaw with a convieniently placed baseball bat. Alex looked at his chest to see the hamster scurrying about in a hectic manner. “I’ll get it!” I raised the bat to strike but Alex brushed it off. It scurried away and came back wielding throwing knives, big ones.
“Oh, look at the little hamster with his big knife-y wife-y’s!” Donnie cooed. A dagger flew by and cut off a 12 pound chunk of hair. “GAHHH!!” Donnie jumped up and down and ran around.
Alex was cursing a blue streak as daggers were being hurled at him and struck his wall. When the last knife was gone, we ran into the living room. The support beam to the house was being cut down by the hamster with a double-sided axe. The support beam gave way and landed directly on Donnies head. Donnie was instantly squished. We ran away from the crumbling house, praying that the hamster would go down with it.
Jordan began walking down the street, “See you guys later!” Suddenly a pair of headbeams shot out from the debri and whipped around. We stood behind the van as it took off after Jordan. The loud crunching noise indicated that it had caught up with him.
The headlights whipped around and I looked to see where Alex was. I suddenly heard, “You wanna go -----!?” Then I heard plastic wheels on asphault, as Alex scooted by on a skateboard. The van rolled for him. I got out my camera. This carnage would be worthy of America’s Funniest Home Suicides. At the last second Alex went airborne, spinning with his skateboard. My jawdropped as in perfect form he jumped into the air. The board spun gracefully…right through the vans windshield. Alex slammed through the glass and went flying through the back. I heard an evil tiny laugh as the van turned around to finish the job.
I stood with the camera ready. Suddenly Alex sprang to life and drew a large sword from his back. “Alex, does your mom know you have that?”
“Not a clue.” Alex said. He leaped and drove the blade into the hood. The engine sputtered then exploded in fiery magnificence.
From the flames, a tiny fuzzy silhouette appeared. I was the last one. It drew a pistol and aimed. Suddenly a hairy figure ran by with a piece of house. “Sasquatch!?” I gasped as the hairy ape-like thing slammed the house piece down upon the furry creature.
“Heh, alright. Dear Diary…” Donnie said from beneath his hair.
“Donnie! I had it under control!”
“Bull-crap! He was gonna shoot yo’ ---!” Donnie said brushing the jungle out of his eyes.
Alex dragged himself from the flaming rubble with his arms and let out a victory screech as he collapsed away from the fire. “Somebody might want to get Jordan, he’s stuck under the bumper, I think he might have a sword wound too.” Alex said to the ground. With his thick protection, Donnie dove into the flames and emerged with Jordan, unscathed.
That’s like four shots at Donnie in three paragraphs! We spent the rest of the night on the remains of Alex’s roof, watching the flaming vehicle burn.

Background: My friend Alex has a sister and she has the hamster, and he told me a story about how he saw his sisters hamster hunched over with its back turned to him, so he goes to peak at it, but it skuttles into the box and looks over its shoulder at him. So i thought, "what if it plotted the death of us all?" thus, i came up with this.

[Rookie]

Monster in the Vents

I’m almost positive it was Dusty’s fault this time. Sometime during spring break, he unleashed some kind of monster into the school I imagine, or did it the morning we got back. But what ever it was it grew up fast.
After first period I walked down the hall when suddenly a rumbling noise came from the ceiling. Everybody stopped to look up. Suddenly, just ahead of me a giant black beast crashed from the ceiling and let out a horrible roar. Its beady red eyes glowed as it flexed its long claws. The beast swung its claws and took out a bunch of people. Cody rolled about the floor laughing while Tice did the clam. After a few more people were splattered against the wall the line continued to move.
“All custodians, please report to the freshman hall to clean a mess.” Said the intercom.
During lunch it happened again. The beast jumped down and began its attack. James, being the brave fool that he is, tried to fight back. The creature pushed him away like an officer pushes away reporters. James cussed at it and rushed it again. The creature pushed him away. James picked up a severed leg and went to smite the beast with it. But the creature turned around and kneed him in the groin. James collapsed and curled up into the fetal position.
For days this continued. One day, when Cody’s homicidal instincts kicked in, the beast leaped down. Cody pulled out his desert eagle, but the beast stepped on Cody, took the gun turned on Tice. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! It emptied an entire clip into Tice.
With its need to kill fulfilled it leaped into the vents again. In sixth period, Mr. Dawgz had a big gaping hole in his roof. “Darn monster came in and attacked in the middle of class.” He cursed the beast.
“That’s it! It fulfills my dreams of being a vent dwelling monster, and empties an entire clip into Tice, this thing is going down.” Cody said, “We’re meeting here tonight tell the others.”

That night, Cody, me, Tice, Alex, Donnie, and Dusty waited outside the school. Cody distributed the M-16’s. “Boy Cody, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were going to destroy us all.” Dusty said.
“Well you don’t so shut up.” Cody said, “Durnit, can’t pick this lock open! Dusty, sing a high A.” Cody said covering his ears. Dusty let out a horrible screech and broke the glass. We entered cautiously.
“Tyler and Alex, go down that way, check the auditorium. Donnie, Tice, go left, Me and fricken Dusty will go right.” Me and Alex went straight down. We entered the auditorium.

Cody and Dusty walked down the hall, and at the first room, a tall, black hairy janitor with beady red eyes and long claws let out a horrible roar. “Well hello janitor! Its awefully dangerous in these parts with a horrible ugly monster on the loose.” Cody said.
“RAWWR! ROOOR AARRRR!!” the janitor said.
“Cody! It’s the monster! Shoot it!” Dusty squeeled.
“Nonesense! He’s just a lowly janitor. Come my cleaning-friend! We hunt the beast.”

We met up again and Cody was conversing with a janitor. “Can you believe it!” Cody was ranting to the janitor, “Dolls that pee! Its ridiculous! What people won’t by these days!”
We continued down the hall. “From what I can tell.” Donnie said through his hair, “It lays eggs inside of people.”
“Interesting.” Cody said.
“ARRR RAWWR OOAAAAHHRR RAR!” The janitor said.
“Gotta go to the bathroom? Right over there.” Cody said. The janitor grabbed Dusty and pulled him in. Screams came from within.
“Constapation sucks don’t it Dusty?” Alex said to himself.
Dusty burst out from the door, “THAT MONSTER JUST RAPED ME!!” Dusty screamed.
“Lies! All of it Lies!” Cody said, “How do I know one of you isn’t the monster!?” Cody pulled out his pistol and lined us up. The janitor wagged his tail.
“It aint me and it obviously isn’t our hairy-monster janitor friend here. Tyler…I’m watching you…” Cody said, “Alex, your kinda on the hairy side… And Dusty, making up lies about the janitor. And Donnie you hairy…fiend…” Cody paused. “ITS DONNIE! OPEN FIRE!” Without hesitation he got the crap blown out of him. But one of the first bullets bounced of Donnie’s grey hairs and struck the janitor in the chest. “JANITOR! NOOOO!!” Cody wailed.
“Guys, my stomach feels funny, like a giant evil monster that just raped me laid eggs in it.” Dusty said.
“Quit your whining Dusty, don’t you see we’ve got a crisis! Oh, wait, he’s dead. No use mourning. I’m going home.” Cody said walking away, “See ya later.”

Background: In our school we hear noises in the vents, so i thought: What if it were a bloodthirsty monster? tada!

[Rookie]

I'll start with the background for this one: I am a big western fan, i love western movies, i love western history. A while back i watched Tombstone and Lonesome Dove, hence the title.
There are some parts to this that i must explain. the Tice character is based on my friend who rode a pig once, so now he has become famous for pig riding. the accent is not based on anything, and the Umbo: is a bump on a clam shell. He took a liking to making fun of clamshells, so i reversed it on him.
The character based on myself, is kind of a trigger happy sherriff. Part II will come later, and then the longer story. here she be:

Lonesome Gopher (Part 1)

Ah, 1876! The wagon-burners (Indians to the city people) were rampaging through the lands and the gold was free when you stole it. But I was out on the prairie, six shooter at my side and my trusty companion, Tice the Tongue. How the boy got that nickname I may never know, but he talked constantly like so, “Whe’ I wa’ pwayin’ wi’ mah gun I thot mah thung!”
Weird accent, musta been from the south. Cattle-Man Cameron, the local rancher had been getting into trouble with his open ranging heard. So that’s why myself, Sheriff Tyler, and Deputy Alex were sent with Tice the Tongue to investigate.
“Sheriff! ‘Bout time ya got here! I just played match-maker and it appears that you have 120% with…”
“Not now. Whats the trouble.” I demanded.
“Yeah! Or we’ll tear off your fingers and shove them up your left nostril!” Deputy Alex said.
“Well aren’t you that goofiest durn thing I ever seen! Ye’ got hair blue as a mountain goats…”
“Your leading us away again! Now what’s your trouble?”
“Train robbers been harrasin’ my cows!” Cattle-man Cameron said.
“Train robbers.” I said dryly
“Train robbers.” Cameron repeated.
“Train robbers?” Alex said, “What the…”
“Fine, let’s say it is train robbers, what are they doing?” I asked.
“They come in the night and steal my cows at gun point while I’m asleep.” Cameron said.
I remained silent for a moment, “Ok, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.” I said mounting my horse. “Keeyai!” I shouted spurring my horse.
Tice said, “Geh awon’ wittle piggy!” he spurred his pig and rode off after me.
Alex returned his Winchester to its saddle holster and rode away slowly. He pointed to his eyes then back to Cameron. “I’m watching you. Always watching.”

We went straight to where the confused cattle-man said the stealing began. Scattered tracks everywhere and empty brass casings. “They’ve obviously…” POW! Alex was thrown off his donkey and was sprawling on the ground.
“Deputy! Get off the ground! You ain’t been shot.” I said from my saddle.
“Yes I have! Look at the blood!” Alex said pointing to his stomach.
“That’s just tomato sauce!”
“What about the gaping wound!?” Alex demanded.
“That’s your belly button ya idjit! Tice is the one that’s been shot!” I said pointing at Tice writhing on the ground. I imagine the fall off the pig didn’t help much.
“I oka! Juth le’ ma’ stahn uh!” Tice mumbled.
“He must be in terrible pain! I’ll finish him off!” I said pulling out my revolver. POW!
“MA UMBO!” Tice wailed. POW! “MA SQUIGLYSPOOCH!”
“Darn it Tice, hold still so I can finish ya’ off.” I said moving my revolver around.
Suddenly on horseback came the Wagon Burners with guns firing at us. “Look wutcha done Tice! Now I don’t have as many shots!” I fired an off hand shot at the charging warhoops.
Alex stood up and pulled his Winchester out and fired at the Indians. “We gotta make some kinda barrier! Quick shoot your rides!” Alex shouted. He began to point his gun at his donkey. The little animal looked back at Alex with big sad cute donkey eyes. “Ahhh! I couldn’t shoot you! I’ll shoot Tice’s pig and then throw Tice on top of it that oughta work!” Alex shot the pig and dragged Tice onto the pig.
“Nice!” Alex said getting into position.
“Alex…why’d you shoot the pig?” I asked.
“Because it’s what they do in the stories!” Alex said.
The Indians rode up. Dusty Antelope, the chief of the wakaka tribe came forward. The short chief came up, “Hey, white trash! Get away from our land or we scalp you.”
“Bring it on wagon burner!” I said. I shot nine shots from my six-shooter, not realizing this was impossible. All twelve Indians fell over dead. I reloaded my gun and shot Dusty Antelope’s gazelle which rolled over on top of him.

Carrying Tice the Tongue on Alex’s donkey, we rode out to where the train robbers were supposed to be. “There’s their shack now.” I said. Buffalo Bob Cody, the evilest of evil. His evil glare was said to kill a yak from two hundred yards away, like a mind bullet.
“What are we waiting for!? Lets get ‘em!” Alex said. Alex rode up to the door and propped Tice and his pig up. Alex stood behind them with his hand on Tice’s jaw. Alex quickly knocked the door. The door opened.
“Who be you.” Cody asked.
Alex pulled Tice’s mouth up and down and said, “I am Umbo, the bandit. And this is my pig, Clamsalot!” Alex kicked the pig and oinked. The pig tipped over.
“Ah, we've been looking for someone like you! All ya need to do is shave.” Cody said.
Alex walked in and dragged the pig along behind him. I stood outside the window and loaded my shotgun mumbling about the weather and the piles of crap I had to put up with.
I walked up to the door and kicked it down. Cows were all over the shack. “Durnit! He’s hiding behind these cows.” I fired into the herd until I could see Tice sitting on Alex’s lap.
“I am very stupid. Just kiss me and say hello.” Alex said flapping Tice’s mouth.
Buffalo Bob thought, “Hmmm, your terms are tough. How about a kick in the groin, a slap across the face and a shot in your arm?”
I had to revive Tice before Alex accepted for him. “WAAAARSH!!” I said. Tice awoke to the familiar sound, just in time for him to get kicked in the groin, slapped across the face and get shot in the arm. Tice collapsed and Alex threw the pig onto the outlaw.
“That’ll teach you to steal cows you train robber!” Alex said swiftly kicking Cody in the ribs.
“Darn you! Darn you to…” BLAM! I fired my shotgun at the bandit’s leg.
“Smurfy job Alex. Now get Tice and Cody on your donkey.” I said.
“Darn you sheriff! I’ll get you yet!” Buffalo Bob Cody shouted.

We returned Cattle-Man Cameron his cows. “Well Sheriff, according to my ‘true love chart, you still has a 120% chance with…”
“Don’t distract me. Alex, where’s Buffalo Bob?” I asked.
“He and Tice smelled bad so I cut them loose back up the trail somewhere.” Alex said pointing up the road.
I remained silent with a blank look on my face. I shook my head and adjusted my hat. I turned around and rode back up the trail.

I found Tice lying face down in the road with his scalp peeled off. “Hmm, the Indians couldn’t stand his probing eyes. So they rolled him over.” I said to myself.
Cody had evidently kicked the living daylights out of Tice, judging by the boot marks in Tice’s side.
I kicked Tice myself and the body rolled over. I took the time to laugh at how funny he looked. I kicked him again and mounted my horse again. Well, the train robber escaped, but we would meet again.

[Rookie]

Background: I saw a show on the streets of Las Angeles. It talked about gangs and all kinds of things, but i figured, what if me and a bunch of friends went to New York? Not that i'm saying this is how New York is, i've never been there, but its a humorous idea, a bunch of small town boys in a big city documenting the streets.

Life on d’ Street

Out in a basic North Idaho town, we had barely any real ‘gangstas’ and the nearest alcoholic was wandering around on the edge of a cliff and flapping his arms with a 50 pound weight tied to his left arm. If he got to far to the left he’d fall, but I don’t think he’d care.
The basic bullies at our school did things like apple chucking, ganging up on us while we fled to the concrete. The strangest of all, was when they’d take a huge balloon, fill it all the way with gas, from their own farts, and strapped rocks to it to give it some weight. When it was thrown at us, it bounced over the fence and the railroad tracks and rolled to the nearby neighborhood where it would explode. It was not uncommon to see neighbors peaking over the fence. If they spotted the shorty, the fat kid, and the smelly kid, they’d leap over the fence with a pitchfork. The bullies would look and then fatty would chug along behind. The neighbor would pursue them and was usually satisfied with the fat kid, but sometimes the neighbor would hunt down the other two.
Finally, Alex got five tickets to New York city. The fifth ticket went to Dusty Spalding. It was a both ways ticket and the return trip was two weeks away. We didn’t even have a hotel to stay at.
Cody proposed living as hobo’s and that turned out to be the way to go. To preserve or image, we would go out as gangsters. When we told our principal, he told us to make up the work by making a film about life on the street. He gave us the camera.

On the plane, Dusty would always look outside the plane and barf into a barf bag. Tice told the guy next to him about clams in the ocean and in fresh water. Alex kept on looking up at his luggage which was bouncing around on the overhead rack. Cody sharpened his dagger, which he had fought for in security.
Cody had walked through the metal detector and his dagger was found. Security tackled him and ripped it from his pocket. Cody leapt on the metal detector and jumped down onto a guards head and stole his dagger back. He ran down and mugged an old guy of his clothes and his beard.
I stared out the window and saw the great lakes. They were big! Heck, there was even an old rusted oil tanker that had ‘THIS IS THE EDMUND FITSGERALD SEND HELP!!’ written on its deck. Must’ve been some promotional stunt so I didn’t tell anyone.

New York seemed like a friendly place at first. We found a quiet little neighborhood where gangsters were known to be. We hooked Dusty up to a microphone. He stood on the street and said, ‘smoke!’, to anyone who came by. One guy said, “Why do you say smoke? You don’t smoke. Dig it man, you’re too old school. Get what I’m throwing at ye?”
“Not a word.” Dusty said. The camera rolled and the night wore on. “Twelve o’ clock, a big black car approaching. I sense a smell in the air. Is it Destiny? AHH! DRIVE BY! DRIVE BY! I’M A JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOLER DON’T SHOOT MEEE!!”
The black car stopped and Dusty leaped into the alley and hid in a pile of boxes. The window rolled down. An elderly women stuck her head out.
“Excuse me young man, could you tell my boy if you see him tomorrow, that I now live on fifth and maple. He just got out of Alkatraz!”

The next night, it was Alex’s turn. He would do the hang loose sign to anyone who took the time to pass. Things slowed down and we went to Broadway.
Alex snuck around told people he was going to be a famous lawyer someday. He would be bombarded with apples, rats, vegetables, and human feces. In the middle Alex would sing, “I love the species that throws their own feces!”
Eventually, Alex just went to the giving weird signs. “One o’ Clock A.M., no activity yet. Wait, a dark red vehicle is pulling up…Uh-oh! I’m using the wrong gangster signals!”
The camera showed a tall black man in a leather jacket approaching Alex. The street light showed Alex’s eyes bulging out of his head. ‘A new person has approached.’ Alex was beaten to the ground and then kicked. Alex twitched in the ground. ‘Dude, Alex is going into shock!’ The black man suddenly looked up. ‘He senses something.’ Suddenly he turned towards us. ‘I think he sees us. HOLY-------!’ The camera than went blurry as we ran for our lives.

We retrieved Alex the next morning. He lay there stiff as a board. We started our return trip early. I could hardly say that Mr. Piipo (pee-po) was satisfied. Although, he did laugh maniacally when Alex was seen being mugged by the guy in the raccoon suit. And when I ran from the giant sewer rat that had crawled out from a man-hole. It was five feet long at the least! There was the time when Tice was in a giant clam shell and snapped pictures of people who passed. Piipo just about fainted from laughing when Dusty was being run down by what appeared to be the missing link.
The video got us a B+ and we were caught up on our work for it. But, Alex suffered from a newly discovered Chronic Wasting Disease.

[Rookie]

Background: Here was my parody of Lord of the Rings. It was so poorly done i added the "Without great detail" to the title, i realized this when i actually put: Im getting bored so i'll fast forward to the end. It mostly hops around the three books and has a very abrupt end. Its not very good but i thought it was interesting how i reworked the plot but still had the same outcome. most of the names are based on the book, but with a twist. Example: Gondor=gon=Gone so Heredor=Here; Mines of Moria=mor=More so Mines of Lessia=Less. You should be able to spot the rest.

Lord of the Things
(Told Without Great Detail)
At recess, Cody, Alex, Tice, Dusty, and I sat around. A portal suddenly opened, WHOOSH! Bam. Flat on my bum I saw a tall skinny man with a long white beard. “I am Galsolf, the wizard. Alex, POOF, you’re a halfling. Here’s the ring of evil and darkness. Tice, POOF, you’re his halfling servant. Cody, POOF, you’re a bow wielding elf. Tyler, POOF, you’re a ranger and the heir of the guy who took the ring here from its master and heir to the throne of Herdor. Dusty, POOF, you’re an axe wielding dwarf.
“Okay here’s the deal. Cody, you are now Legosla. Tice, you are Sam. Alex, your Brodo. Dusty, you are Grimly. Tyler, you are Arofgorn. Grodo,”
“Its Brodo!” Brodo interrupted.
“Fine, Brodo, you have to get to Mt. Boom and throw the ring into it. You other guys, except for Sam, split up and get in a big fight.”
“What! I’m going with them!” Brodo protested.
“Not with those stumpy legs your not! Ha ha!” laughed Legosla.
“Say, since I’m a ranger do I get a woodland companion?”
“Sure, POOF!” Galsolf said.
“Hey, Thumper! Wait, Thumper?”
“He knows Kung-Fu.”

As we walked. We suddenly heard clipitty cloppiting. I turned around. Nine black hooded figures rode up on horseback. “Ghood! You are now Blahood!” Than, Brodo realized his danger and he scuttled away on his furry feet. We ran, and Grimly scooped him up and laughed. He chucked Brodo and through him into an inch deep hole where Richard Nixon was hiding.
The Wraiths rode on. I drew my way cool sword. “Sweet!”
“How come he gets the cool sword!?” Brodo whined. Galsolf picked him up and began to throttle him. Legosla fitted an arrow into his bow and laughed maniacally. I stopped him as I ran past, Thumper under my arms. Thumper wiggled out and hopped to the Ring Wraiths. We all turned around.
We watched as the Wraiths hopped down and watched at the small white rabbit hop to them. “EEEEE!” said one.
“EEEEAAAAEEEE!” replied another. One bent over and went, “eeeeh! EE EE EEEE!!” Than Thumper leaped on to his face and delivered multiple punches into the hood. The others slowly stepped back and than slowly turned around. They finally mounted their horses and ran as fast as they could in the opposite direction.
“They obviously knew that I was too powerful for them!” Brodo gloated. I looked at Brodo and slowly moved closer. The only thing that saved him was Galsolf, who said that Brodo needed to get rid of the ring by casting it into Mt. Boom.

Meanwhile in Toesingard, Sourmon sat in his tower with his knew Urick-Low, Lurch. Sourmon sent him away with about a hundred other Urick-Low.

We went along the snowy mountain ridge. “Geeze, its cold. We have two options, take the easy warm way to Herdor’s capital, Schnozgillioth! Or those stupid Mines of Lessia” said Galsolf.
“Lets go the warm easy path, I’m told I have connections there. At least, that’s what the crows of the evil Dauron told me. Hey wasn’t that Ring Dauron’s?” I said.
“Arofgorn is right! I like warm!” Grimly said.
“I think that the choice is down to Herdor!” Legosla said.
“Naw, lets let the foolish ring bearer decide! And lets hope that his choice is Herdor and not the Mines of Lessia where I will most likely meet my doom!” Galsolf laughed.
Brodo thought, “Lets go to the Mines of Lessia! I like the word mine!” I drew my sword.

Brodo limped along and we found a former Dwarven colony. Grimly smiled until he found a casket. Their were Dwarf bones everywhere and Grimly became nervous. Suddenly we heard something running towards us. Me and Legosla went over.
“Orcs. Oh, and they’ve got a cave troll!” Legosla added. We closed the door and drew our weapons. The broke through. We all realized that this would be a good time to turn our hatred against Brodo and call it an accident. But, we got caught up with fighting the orcs.
We defeated them and rested, but we missed one. It came out of nowhere with a long spear. It appeared to gore him. We clapped and the orc smiled and raised his hand up in victory. Brodo smiled too. “Mithrill! Ha ha!” An arrow whizzed by and took a patch of hair off Brodo’s head.
“Dang, I missed. This time I won’t!” Legosla drew his dagger.

We continued our way through the mines, Sam had to help Brodo tend to his stumpy thumbs. Suddenly a kamikaze orc ran forward. Galsolf did a double take and was tackled, he fell off the bridge. I looked down, “Dude, that sucks. Oh well, lets keep going.”
“Hey, Brodo, nobody’s gonna protect you now!” Legosla said stepping forward.

We came out at a forest where we stayed for a while. Brodo felt threatened by our blades, so he put on the ring. “Feel the reign of pain fools, HA HA HA HA!” Nothing happened. I took the ring from him.
“That’s not how you use the ring.” I put it on a shot a lightning bolt at him, “That’s how you use the ring.” I handed it back.

That evening, the orc that had stuck the spear in Brodo tried to take the ring. He heard the sound of horns and turned to see Lurch’s Orcs coming right for him. He waved, but was killed. Brodo ran. Sam followed and we became separated. (As you may remember, Brodo said that he would never be separated from us no matter what. What a laugh!)
We followed the orcs for no apparent reason, that is, Myself, Grimly, and Legosla. We soon ran into the plains of Strohan. I found their trail again, and a small button. Stupid button carrying orcs!
As we ran, we came upon the Walkers of Strohan. They walked up. “Hey, got any horses? Were tired of walking!”
“No, but have you seen any orcs? We’re hunting them.” Grimly said.
“I would take your head Dwarf, if only it stood a bit higher off the ground.” Elmer, their leader said.
“You would be dead before you could say, jumpin’ jahoosiphat heeya!” Legosla said.
“Is that a threat?” Elmer asked. Soon we were in battle, but their callus and blisters kept them from winning. “Okay, Okay! We killed the orcs than we burned them! Go into the forest, I think the stragglers hid there!”

So soon we wandered into the forest. And a white light blinded us. Galsolf was their so we went to find King Theodor. Theodor was old as dirt and just as ugly too. And he had this creepy little guy who was called Grimy Wormtoe. I picked up Wormtoe and threw him to Toesengard. Theodor became young again and we thought, ‘hey, how ‘bout goin’ to Arms Shallow? Its that fortress where we will be overwhelmed.’
So there we were, getting our butts handed to us, when Galsolf shows up with the newly named, Limpers of Strohan. We won and went to Toesengard and had a chit chat with Sourmon. He got mad, went away and he through his glass ball at us. We laughed evilly and fled with his ball.

Brodo and Sam were wandering around and they found a big canyon, they climbed down and slept. Some frog like dude crawled down. “Give us, the Precious! Stupid whinings. Stupid Halflingses.”
This dude became their guide. They wandered through some marshes, met up with this dude called Closamir and went to Plus Imorgul, and to Clamlob’s lair where Brodo was bitten and carried off by orcs.

I’m getting bored so I’ll fast forward to the end.

So, Brodo got too stupid and put on the ring and was really P-d off. So that Smeargol feller jumped on Brodo’s back and ripped his finger off, than dove into Mt. Boom. Brodo was all like, “Me Precious jumped in! gollum! gollum! We follows!” And Sam watched as Brodo jumped in and died. Sam said, “HA!” and left.

[Rookie]

Background: Well, i was talking to "Cody" when he was entertaining the idea of slug hunting and how he could never do that, shoot a slug with a shotgun slug. So i wrote it out how it would happen in a crazier world.

Slug Hunters

I looked down my scope. The animal was too far off, just the way I like ‘em. It slowly looked up and turned my way chewing its cud.
“Gotcha now ya little rascal!” I whispered slipping off the safety. It heard the click and began to bolt. “COME BACK HERE YOU SWINE!” I fired shot that rang through the forest. I leaped over the rock to where it had fallen. “Dear god! I’ve wounded it!” I cried. I pulled my knife from its sheath and cut its throat before it could suffer anymore. Once it was dead I grabbed it by the head and heaved it up to show my companions.
The slug must have been twice as big as the bullet I used for it. Cody was shocked. He stood with his mouth open and eyes wide.
“Yes I know, it’s a beauty aint it?” I said with pride.
“How could you do that to a slug? The bullets are almost as big as they are! And when they bolt they go one thousandth of a mile an hour!”
“Ya have to give them the right amount of lead when that happens.” Jordan added.
“I had to give one about an inch of lead once! That slug was just a movin’!” Alex said.
“Wow!” I gasped.
“Silence! Look at it! Its just like Sluggi, remember that movie we saw with Dusty?”
“You some kinda tree lover?” Jordan demanded. Suddenly, out of nowhere a car came sliding around a bunch of trees. Jordan cursed loudly and began to run.
The car was in hot pursuit. Jordan came to the edge of a cliff, there was no escape. BAM! Jordan was cursing a blue streak all the way down into the river.
Ignoring the distraction I said, “That’s it Cody! You’re shooting a slug!”
“I don’t wanna shoot a slug! They’re too cute!” Cody whimpered.
“Take this here revolver and follow me.” I replied pushing the gun into Cody’s hands.

After a moment we picked up the trail, or as we like to put it, “Alex slipped on the slime and saw the trail was from a slug”. We followed it all the way to a decent sized slug. “Shoot it now Cody!” I coaxed.
“I don’t wanna! He’s looking straight at me with those cute little eyes!” Cody whined. The slug bolted.
“Curses! Gimme that!” Alex demanded taking the revolver. He fired a shot which killed the slug instantly. Cody’s lip trembled at the sight of the slug.
But it was almost too late when we saw there was another. “Shoot it Cody!” Alex said.
“No! I can’t!” Cody wailed.
“Do it now! Here’s the gun!” Alex said.
Cody cried out, “Waaaaaah!” and fired without looking. It was a miracle shot. The bullet actually hit it. Cody got a look in his eye. “Wow! That was cool!” he said.

Soon Cody was firing shots like a mad man and had five times his bag limit. “Well Cody, you’re in trouble if the game warden comes.”
Cody flicked the grass out of his mouth, “Now ya’ll listen here. We aint going to be talkin’ to no game warden ‘bout nuttin.” Red plaid didn’t suit Cody at all.
So we drove home, expecting to be caught, sure enough. The warden pulled us over and shined the light into the pickup, “You boys happen to see this boy? Small, dyed blonde hair, anger issues?” The warden asked.
“No sir.” Cody replied, “We just locals hunting some slugs.”
“Well, how many did you get?”
“About fifty.” Cody said.
“All together?” The warden asked.
Suddenly it hit Cody, “Nope, just blue boy over there on the end! Quick arrest him! Before he escapes!” Cody yelled.
“Son of a…!” Alex screamed trying to open the door. Cody had locked it. Alex broke the window and leaped out. Alex tried to flee but the agile warden shot Alex in the calf and ran him down. The warden sprayed a bottle of pepper spray into Alex’s eyes. Alex screamed and cursed as he rolled over the ground.
Cody floored it and yelled, “You’ll never take me alive!” Unfortunately for Dusty, he happened to be walking across the street just as Cody freaked out. Dusty slammed into the grill of the pickup, rolled up across the hood, over the windshield and into the bed.
This was the perfect time to use Alex’s escape hole, because there was a deer carcass up ahead that could cushion my fall. “Adios loco man!” I screamed to Cody as I leaped out of the broken window.
I missed the carcass, or went through it I can’t remember, but I rolled for over a mile until a fallen tree stopped me. So I just laid face down in the dirty ditch on the side of the road.

Cody finally wrecked after flying of the Moyie Bridge screaming like a banshee. He was brought out of his insanity when Jordan, having walked the bottom of the river, found him and dragged him on shore.
I was scraped up by a highway litter patrol after they concluded I was alive. As for Alex, he was left on the road and carried off by a pack of hungry grizzly bears that liked a lot of pepper on their food.

[Korkskrew]

You have crazy friends Rookie... But funny storys.

[Rookie]

:D:D:D

they're the inspiration for the humor most of the time. Almost all of these came off something they bounced off me.

[Rookie]

Background: Partially inspired by my trip to montana, partially insanity inspired by the silliness thread, partially the GU water, i wrote this story about how things can go very wrong in the outdoors.

Attack of the Great Outdoors[/b]

It came to my attention that the trip that we had planned was destined to be painful, after the mauled trees and over-turned boulders became more frequent and the rendering noises ahead of us got louder. Alex was at the head of our little expedition, saying he should lead us to our doom more or less.
Being young enough that the parents had little trust for us with real weapons, we resorted to packing bb-guns and twenty-twos. The old woodsman Nester, being so full of lore, suggested he stay at the back and make sure nothing snuck up behind us.
Alex suddenly froze half-way around a corner. “What’s wrong with you? Get moving.” Cody said behind me.
“Nuh-uh, bear.” Alex said pointing.
I looked over Alex’s shoulder, “Pff, that aint no bear, it’s a gopher or something.”
“I’m telling you it’s a bear, you didn’t see what I just saw it do.”
“And what did it do?” I asked.
“It tore a chunk of flesh off an elk carcass.” Alex said.
“Your kidding. That little Prairie Dog couldn’t swat a gimped butterfly if it tried.” I said.
“It just did it again.” Alex said.
I peaked over and saw its head low again, “Your messing with us.”
“I’m telling you, it’s a freaking bear.” Alex insisted, “It sees us now.”
“What’s it going to do? Run up a tree and cheep at us?” I said mockingly.
“Its scratching the dirt.” Alex said a bit more nervous.
“To bury its stupid acorns!” I replied.
“Tyler, its starting to walk towards us, it’s a fricken bear.” Cody said backing up.
“Bah, its an idiot, we’ll just pop it in the head with out bb-guns and be done with it!”
“HOLY BLEEEP! ITS RUNNING! RUUUUNN!!!” Alex said after a loud curse. I looked up to see that I was looking at the squirrel on a nearby rock instead. A high-speed chase ensued.

Tice had the good fortune of stumbling out in front of us, or what we considered good fortune, cause he was at the front, the dirty dog. A sacrifice had to be made for the good of the group. And the others apparently hadn’t taken this into consideration yet so I had to choose who would die.

Cody was a valuable member, Nester on the other hand was likely to slow us down anyway, Alex was…cocking his bb-gun? POW! A quick shot in the back of the knee sent me to the ground as the others sped away.
They scampered up trees as I stood up. The bear slowed to a walk and huffed at me. “Don’t fight it boy! It’ll rip your head off!” Nester yelled.
“Bah, tis but a small Grizzly.” I said waving off the suggestion. I put up my fists, “Alright, buddy, lets rock.” The bear ran forward and reached up and grabbed me in a death hug. I went down with my arms flailing trying to land a hit. It tussled me around and tried chewing on my head. I began smacking its head until it decided to chew on my face. I proceeded to grab its neck and tried to throttle it as my companions watched from the trees.

“JUST KICK ‘EM IN THE EYES!” Alex shouted.
“That’s sharks.” Cody said.
“DO IT ANYWAY! IT’LL BE FUNNY!” Alex cheered.
“I WOULD IF MY LEGS COULD BEND LIKE THAT!” I yelled. Suddenly I realized where my feet were.
I swung with my right foot into its groin. The bear suddenly froze and toppled over, paws over his sensitive area.
“In your face sucka! How do you like them apples!? Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!” I yelled among other taunts.

The others climbed down and began to kick the bear over the edge of the trail, into thick brush where it smacked its head on a culvert, slammed into numerous boulders in the creek, went over a waterfall and into the nearby river which was full of rapids.
“Bye bye bear.” Tice said.

Continuing up the beaten path, we could see signs of expeditions from years past. Grassy roads that led off to nowhere, Piles of rocks, and a sign that said, “DON’T GO UP THIS TRAIL! ITS GONNA KILL YA!”
“Tsk tsk tsk, foolish old miners,” Alex said, “Always insisting that everything is evil.”

Alex, being “leader” decided we would camp near a pond that had a stream feeding it from an unknown mountain source. Very picturesque I might add.
We pitched the tent as Tice decided to try his hand at fishing. From the information I’ve gathered, here is how the events proceeded.

Tice was walking up stream and recalled a fishing technique his pappy had taught him, “Twist back, do a back flip, spin around, do a front flip, kick a boulder forty feet, and body slam an elk, then flick the wrist.” The line flew out and plunked into the stream. Upon humming a tuneless song, he didn’t know he was being watched. An uncivilized surly dwarf looked around the trees at him.
Then suddenly flew from the trees and began dismembering Tice with little resistance but a lot of screaming.

“Tice that idiot.” Cody said back at camp, “He’s been attacked by a fish again.”
“We better go drag him from the water.” I said. We began walking to where the screaming was coming from.
A few moments later, we found the surly dwarf hunkered over Tice dismembering his gallbladder.
“Hey! Monkey-boy!” Cody yelled. Tice didn’t respond, “Why are you letting that pipsqueak take out your gallbladder?”
“Not much choice.” Tice replied dryly.
Suddenly the dwarf leaped up and clinged to Cody’s face and the two plunged into the river and began to fight as they were swept downstream.
Tics had a bite on his line so I proceeded to real in a steady chain of fish. “Man, I am a pro.” I said.
“Yeah yeah, now how about putting my organs back and carryin’ me back to camp?”
“Maybe later.” I said.

By nightfall I returned to camp, seeing the dwarf had been subdued and was resisting being put on a spit to cook over our fire. “No need!” I said, “I caught fish!”
“LIES! LIEEEEES!!” Tice screeched.
Cody was seething at the dwarf, “I was hoping to eat dwarf flesh, but I suppose we can turn him into, hehehe, sandwiches.”
“YE’R DAFTER THAN THIRTY-NINE WENCHES!” The dwarf replied.

After dinner, we sat around the fire igniting marshmallows and hurling them at the angry dwarf. “Ye mangy bleeping bleeper’s!” the dwarf would yell at us.

That night, I woke up to a fluttering noise. Looking up I saw a bat had strayed into the tent. Suddenly it began to flitter close to Alex’s head. It landed and crawled about his face, then stopped with its waist over his ear and its head began making a little bobbing motion. I decided not to tell about it and cover my head and go to sleep.

The next morning Cody cheerfully woke up to find the dwarf had mysteriously been stoned to death. “I wonder what handsome looking fella could have done this?” he said as we examined it.
“What?” Alex said, “I’ve got something in my ear and it feels like I’ve been sleeping with it on a rock.”

We embarked and continued up to a ridge. A green meadow with a thick cluster of trees on either side greeted us. “It be strange that we haven’t seen any deer as of yet.” Nester remarked, “Must be a mountain lion in the area.”
“Oh, that sounds like this is going to get painful fast.” I said.

A few moments later we were winding our way down a hillside. Suddenly a furious ball of rage came barreling down the hillside and grabbed Alex and clung to him as they tumbled to the bottom of the hill. Alex was packing our bear-pepper-spray which exploded as he hit a rock. “OH YE GODS!! WHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!????” He screamed as he thrashed about while the mountain lion writhed around. Alex eventually trashed into a small stream and threw himself against the large rocks.
We eventually got to the bottom and pulled him out of the water. After stepping on his chest for a while he finally came back to consciousness.
We came to a vast field which eventually led to pavement. That in turn led to a town.
A couple days later, a local headline read, “Local Mountain-men Come From Mountains To Terrorize Citizens.”
It wasn’t our fault the service at the local restaurant was terrible.

[Rookie]

Background: Okay, this one had a bit of thought in it. Our town is stereotypically a redneck town. And me and a bunch of people recently met a girl in a nearby town thats a bit classier. So one day she invited us to a party, and i entertained the idea of what would happen if a bunch of hicks came to a beach party with a bunch of "city-folk". You may notice that "Alex" doesn't act very hick-ish in this. That's because in real life he's from St. Louis. So here's my creation.

Rednecks and City-Folk

With the use of the internet, Cody had met a girl in Sandpit. She appeared nice enough. Now before I continue, there is a reputation that our town is full of rednecks. Now that there is a dadgum lie!

We became aquatinted eventually, for reference, we will call her, Casey. A couple weeks after meeting and strange online conversations she informed Cody of a party should would be having on Thursday.
“You think we should go?” Cody said.
“I don’t see why not, may be able to harass them.” I said.

So we all piled in one of Tice’s broken down pickups, hit it with rocks until it roared to life, and puttered down the road. We ended up meeting at the Sandpit Beach, and that’s where the trouble began.
Cody got out and looked at the front of the pickup, “Tice! Git the can! We got dinner!”
Cody grabbed a spatula and began to scrape bloody remains off the headlight.
Casey came jogging around the corner, “There you…guys…are?”
Tice came out holding out a coffee can and Cody scraped the remains into it.
“Hit a coon on the way over!” Cody said, “Tyler didn’t bruise up the head or nothin’! That’s the best part; first ye’ boils the head, then peel of the skin and head meat, then you take the skull, shake out the eyes and bash open the skull to get at the brain which you then…”
“You guys, uh, wanna come around back?”
I climbed out of the pickup and several guns fell out. I tossed them back. She apparently found it strange that we had completely loaded up the cab with guns. Alex crawled out from under a tarp cussing a blue streak, “Blankety blanken! That deer you hit a while back is starting to stink!”
“’bout time too!”
“WHAT!?” Alex raged.
“You city-folk don’t understand the goodness of a rotting road-killed deer.” Cody said shaking his head.

We went around back, Casey evidently was nowhere near where we were on the social scale. Kids in freaking tuxedo coats, sunglasses, backwards hats, girls practically feeding off there faces, or that’s what we gathered by the face sucking. But apparently, the guys were also feeding off the girls, which did not appeal to us at all.
Somebody was cooking hot dogs for lunch, “No need!” I said holding up the can, “We hit a couple coons on the way over!”
Cody came back holding up a mess of bloody feathers, “And I found that turkey we hit a few weeks back that we never found!”
“Well hot dog!” I said slapping my thigh.
Tice laughed, “HICK HICK HICK HICK!”
“Don’t ya’ll ever do that again.” Cody said slapping Tice with the turkey carcass.

“Hey! Alright, got the boom box working!” somebody shouted as a girl was sucking the life out of him. Then loud obnoxious “rap” came from the speakers. Cody freaked out, “Ya’ll call that music!? Tice, get me a gun!”
Tice returned and brought Cody a shotgun, “Take that!” BAM! He shot the boom box, “Now Tice, get us the instruments.”
Alex rolled his eyes, “Great…”
Tice came back, gave me my guitar, Cody his banjo, and Alex his jug. Tice slapped a beat on his knees and we began to play.
Cody suddenly cursed as all the strings broke off his banjo. He threw a tantrum, smashed Alex’s jug with the banjo, and then with a swing rivaling that of Babe Ruth, he slammed it into Tices head, sending splinters flying everywhere and sent Tice reeling on the ground, screaming like his head had been smashed in with a banjo.

Later on we were talking around a fire, “So then, just when the gator popped his head up, Tice dove in and got his face chewed on, or so he says.” The Sandpit people just stared in horror.
Casey looked out to the water, “Oh look guys! The fish are coming up to lay there eggs!”
“Tice!” Cody yelled, “Git the guns!”

The Sandpit kids watched disgustedly as we stood on the lakeshore, firing into the water. we returned a few minutes later, “How’s that turkey burnin’?” Cody wondered out loud. He grabbed a stick and raked a charred body from the heart of the fire.
“Nope, not done.” I said.
“Yep, not done.” Cody agreed rolling it back into the flames.

A couple hours later we were sitting around the fire, each person with a chunk of turkey meat on a plate and Cody raking in the potatoes he had also thrown into the fire.
He smashed one open on a rock and broke it…the rock. “That ones no good.” Cody said hurtling it into the water where it let out and audible, HIIIIIISSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
Several of them stared at where a mushroom cloud-like phenomenon had occurred at the place where the potato landed.
“These on the other hand, are perfect!” Cody said proudly breaking open a potato and devouring it, making his teeth black. Tice showed the Sandpit folks how to eat a potato: picking it up and chewing on it.
One person remarked, “This tastes like charcoal.”
“That is charcoal you nincompoop!” Cody raged, swatting the charcoal out of his hand and pushed a potato into it. Cody pointed at the potato, grunted, then pointed to his mouth and grunted again, then walked back to his spot on the log and sat down.
“One time we was squirrel huntin’…” I began.
“Oh not this again…” One said.
“You sassing’ me boy? I gonna hafta belt yah!?” I said angrily.

At nightfall, we pushed the guns out of the way and sat down, “I’m….uhhh…glad you guys came? Sorry you had to leave so late.” Casey said.
“No worries!” Cody said, “Perfect time o’ day for coons! Maybe even a deer or two!”
Alex grumbled as he climbed in back and under the tarp.
“Alright then…” She said. As we drove away, I could have sworn I saw her jump in the air and click her heels together.

[Rookie]

Background: For those of us on the forums about to make the journey back to school, i present to you my story about how interesting things may go in my twisted pysco world. But its funny nonetheless, with a tie-in. So, i dedicate this to those of us who are doomed to walk the halls of school this month. Sorry, can't help ya there, but i can make ya laugh.


The Eyes of Darkness

Ah, the return to school! Every childs darkest fear. The return of homework and no fun. Especially this year. Our Sophomore year was destined to be painful, due to the fact of Tice’s existence, and the fact that Donnie now looked like Cousin It and was taking welding, woodshop, and turbine engine class.
“Heck yes!” I replied to one of Alex’s questions.
Suddenly out of nowhere, I got the sneaking suspicion I was being watched. “You got that sneaking suspicion your being watched by something other than Tice?” Cody asked.
“Yeah, weird.” Donnie said.
Suddenly, a short little curly haired red-headed kid propelled from the ceiling on a rope. He stopped and slunk over to us, “You better watch your language, or I will tell the master what it is you are up to!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Alex asked.
“I said watch your language!”
“Ahem, Oh, you don’t blanken like it when I blankin cuss? Well too blankety blanken bad!” Alex said.
“Stop it!” the kid said louder.
“Blankety blank of a blank blank blinking blanken!” Alex said.
“That’s it!” the kid said running away.
“What’s he gonna do? Cry? Hehehehe.” Alex said.

A few moments later, the principal returned to us. “Alex come with me. Arukile here has reported you for cursing.”
“SNEAK! HES A NASTY SNEAK!” Alex screamed as he was hauled off by his ear.

We watched in horror as Alex was hauled off. Then class began, and still no Alex.
We sat in class and deduced what was happening. This Arukile was a freshman that the principal had apparently taken under his wing as a slave monkey, and a very strict slave monkey at that.
Once back in the halls, I sneezed. “WHO DARES TO SNEEZE IN THE CLEAN HALLS!” rang Arukiles voice.
He slunk up to me, sniffing as he went and stopped at me, “It was you!”
“What makes you say that?” I said.
“Because, you’re the only one that smells like they’ve sneezed!”
“No I don’t, Tice does.” I said.
Arukile walked over to Tice and took a whiff. He fell over unconscious. We took the opportunity and fled.

“Check it Foos!” Alex said at lunch, “I’m still alive!”
“What happened?” Cody asked.
“They tortured me for information, but I didn’t give it to ‘em! I blamed it all on Tice!”
“I heard my name.” Tice said looking up from his locker.
“No you didn’t.” I replied.
Suddenly we heard, “INNAPROPRIATE DISPLAY OF AFFECTION!”
“Dude, it was just a hug.” Came a reply.
We all looked over.
“It has been banned! Very banned! Now your going to suffer…two days of detention!”
“No fuggin’ way!”
“Gah! My virgin ears!” Arukile shrieked.
“He’s lying.” Alex said, “I made sure of that, ehehehehe.”
“False Accusation! Thirty days in the pokey!”
“The pokey, what the Blank is that?” Alex asked.

We visited Alex in the pokey. Apparently it was an elaborate path. It had bars on either side and crap loads of sticks on poles at random intervals that would keep poking Alex as he walked.
“Its not as bad as it could be.” Donnie said sympathetically.
“Pfff, a trip to here every day for thirty days is terrible, lets see you do it!” Alex said taking a poke in the ribs.

The next couple of weeks, we’d get busted for every violation of the handbook. There became a rumor that there were actually 3 Arukiles, do to 3 separate sightings at the same time. But wherever there was a violation he seemed to be there.
You couldn’t hardly go to the bathroom with a chick to make out without him being in the stall you were walking into!
We had to get rid of him somehow…

We held a secret meeting, a collaboration of a couple dozen schoolmates to discuss the removal of Arukile.
“Lets shoot ‘em!” Cody yelled.
“Yeah!” a couple others shouted in agreement.
“Can’t do that, its illegal.” Somebody else said.
“It is?” Cody said sounding surprised.
“What we have to do, is either drive him off somehow, or make him too afraid to bust anybody.” Somebody suggested.
“Tice! Nobody can bust Tice! Anything Tice loathes dies! Two birds with one stone!” Alex said triumphantly.

So, we set up Tice to do a crime for Arukile to bust him for. We were scattered around, mingling with the crowd and watched. Tice flipped the bird to nothing in particular.
“Profanity! Detention!” Arukile said suddenly appearing, seemingly out of nowhere.
Tice merely stared at him. Arukile returned the stare and Tice hung his head and took the ticket.

“How could that have not worked!?” I said at our next meeting.
“It was flawless! Nothing should have gone wrong! But it did!” Cody said shaking his head. Tice had failed and got detention.
“Then what can we do to get rid of him?”
“How about this, we all get in our cars at lunch, he always walks to the restaurant, and then we take turns trying to run him down. Maybe pulling up next to him then swerving at him and knocking him around?”
“That won’t work, but lets do it anyway, any other plans?” Alex said.
“I want…revenge.” Tice said angrily.
“So do we Tice! Now just calm down, we’ll come up with something.”
“Remember that monster in the vents?” Cody said suddenly out of inspiration…

The next day we walked around the hall, waiting. Suddenly a monster jumped down in front of Arukile.
“Hey! You can’t be up there!” Arukile shrieked.
The monster proceeded to maul Arukile before departing mysteriously into the vents. Arukile lived, but only by our command.

We met again that night, the monster joined us. “Thirty nine spider monkey carcasses, as requested.” Cody said handing them over to the monster. You’ll get the rest when Arukile leaves.” The monster laughed and disappeared.

For three weeks it continued, then one day we were in the halls when Jordan came running back with good news, “The little curd quit!”
“What?” I asked.
“He’s moving away!”
Celebrations ensued in the halls. Arukile slunk out of the office looking defeated and mauled.
“I feel like something’s laid eggs in my stomach…” Arukile said holding his stomach.

[Rookie]

Background: My Star Wars Parody. There is little inspiration behind it except Star Wars is sooo fun to make fun of. Now as some may have figured out due to previous stories: "Donnie" has really long hair. And we make fun of him for it. He'd have the most awesome mowhawk eva! so i cast him as the Wookie type dude.
Like "Lord of the Things" i have taken words and warped them. Chebacca=chew Grindbacka= Grind. Han Solo is now Foo Guitar-Solo (it was funny at the time) Luke Skywalker became Dave Dirtkicker.

There is some inspiration from here actually, but it is fairly similar in style to the Lord of the Things. So here she be:


Star Fighting

We were at school, minding our own beeswax again, when a spectral figure came to us in robes and crap.
“Hey, check out the freak!” Jordan yelled.
“He has a cool cloak.” Tice said.
“Silence!” the man said, “I am Ody-two Jarobi! Now here’s the shtick: Cody, you are Dark Trader. Tyler, you are Dave Dirtkicker. Donnie, your Grindbacka the Woolock. Jordan, your Foo Guitar-Solo. Tice, your Emperor Pulpoteam. Alex, you be…Goda. Now when you wake up, you’ll be wherever the heck you are!”

I was on the Rebel base of Coolth. Which was appropriate since it was really fuggin’ cold. Lucky for me, I had seen the first Star Wars so I knew what was probably going on.
“Foo! There you are!” I said. Foo looked up and shook his head.
“Can you believe it? Grindy got his hair caught in the turbine engine again!” Foo said in disgust.
“GAAAAhhhhHAAAAhhhhHAAAAH!” Grindbacka said.
“Looks like he’s head bangin’.” I remarked.
“Pfff, you know how long it takes to get Woolock hair out of a turbine engine? Weeks! Dagnabit!”

Meanwhile, orbiting above us was the DIE-REBEL-MUTHAS Star. Dark Trader was meeting with his generals. “Keeekooo, the rebels are here.” Trader said in a voice that was altered by his mask.
“Why do you say that? GEAAH! HACK Hack! Aaaarrgh!....” the general said suddenly clutching his throat.
“What’s wrong with him?” somebody asked.
“He choked on a hambone.” Another said sadly.
“To answer his question,” Trader said, “Its because I can sense them there with the Push.”
“Alrighty, we’ll send a couple Walkers in, kill ‘em and be done with it.” A general said.
“Sounds sweet to me, make it so!” Trader agreed.
“Yes Lord Trader!”

“Sweet! Princess Seta is HOT!” Guitar-Solo said.
“Blankin! Your right!” I agreed.
“This of course means she’s your sister and I get to hit on her. Heh, alright.” Foo said excitedly.
“Curses.” I said. Suddenly the sirens went off all around the base.
“Sacre dompter! We are under attack!” the intercom screamed.
“The hell?” I asked.
Suddenly my robot companion, CU-L8R, rolled past and into my W-Wing Fighter. “Haha! You may get the girl, but I get a sweet star-fighter! Loser!”
“Why you lousy…” Foo said bitterly.

Moments later I was zooming around the barren wasteland. On my little screen it said, “Imperials Walkers ahead.”
I skidded across the back of one, “Well sure enough!” I said.
“ID10T error”
“ID10T error? What’s that stand for?”
“Identity 10 Trigger error.”
“Jeeze, how long is that going to last?”
“Until your dead.”
“Very funny, CU, see if you can fix it.”

“How goes the battle, dudes?” Trader said dancing to his heavy metal rock theme song.
“Bad, we just got pwned.” Another guy said.
“Curses, well, lets get out of here before something bad happens.”

After receiving a strange vision, I went to go find Goda or whatever his name was. I crashed into a swampy planet after a while and Goda came up to me.
“Dammit! I’ve been waiting for you, you know how long!? these bird critters and crap like that, I’ve been living off!” he raged. He was short, blue, and had big ears, and had a walking pole as tall as I was, so he had a really long right arm.
“Hehehe, your funny looking.”
“Make fun of my appearance, you should not!” he raged.

And so, after a bit of training, we sat around the poker table.
“Oho, a good one, that is!” Goda laughed, “What else, you know? Your father, Lord Trader is!”
“WHAT!?” I yelled.
“He Father your is!”
“What?”
“A curse, it is. Jumbled, words get.”

Meanwhile, Dark Trader surfed the web, “WHAT!!!???”
“What is it Lord Trader?” a general asked. Trader looked at the general loathingly for a moment, then looked back to the computer screen.
“I have kids! Can you believe it! That incomprehensible wench of a wife lied to me! I go on the internet to look at web comics, and I find out I have kids!”

“I must go to fight him!” I said.
“Ahead, go. Killed, get yourself! Laugh, I will!”

Several plot holes later…

“Hey! Old man!”
“Oh crap…” Trader said looking around.
“Over here!” I yelled.
“Oh, phew, for a sec I thought it was my conscience. I was like, ‘I thought I killed you off years ago!’ but it was just you.”
“Yeah, yeah, lets fight!”

After fighting with our fists for a while, we decided it would go quicker if we used our Lightswords. Blah blah blah, fast forward!

I backed up, and went to swing at Trader again. But then he cut my freakin’ arm off! “Hey! I’ve only got two of those!” I said. Then I fell down, hanging on to the edge of the platform with only one hand.
Emperor Pulpoteam came in, “Nice job, now just step on his toes and be done with it!”
“I aint obeying an umbo anymore!” Trader said, picking him up and hurling down off the platform.
“Help me…father?”
“Nope, turns out you’re my brothers cousins friends dads nephews brothers step-sisters sisters husbands son. No relation what so ever.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. Now that you’ve ruined the plot anyway, wanna help me up?”
“Oh sure why not.”

[Rookie]

Background: This one, im pretty sure i was inspired by the battle of the bands and the fact that i have mad guitar skeelz. Something that you may have or may not have figured out is that "Umbo" is a nickname that we call "Tice" that he particularly doesn't care for. It's actually the bump on the shell of a clam, but he doesn't care for it at all. We've obviously stopped, but i can't let dead horses lie for very long.


That’s the Way I Want To Rock and Roll

The second Battle of the Bands. An opportunity to show off my crazy guitar skeelz. The band met at Cameron’s house.

“Tice, your not up to snuff anymore.” We told Tice.
“What!? You can’t do this to me! I am the band!” He raged.
“Not anymore, your voice is cracking, your rhythms are stupid, and nobody likes you being lead singer.” Alex said bluntly.
“Fine! I’ll make my own band and it’ll be better than yours!” Tice said, picking up his banjo and storming out.
“Well…” Cody said after a moment, “That was better than we thought! Lets rock!”

Over the next couple of weeks, a rumor was brewing that Tice was going to be worse than us. We knew this already and prepared for our performance.
Tice walked up to us, a couple of his band members behind him. “This is Scourge, he’s my drummer, and this is…well his name would drive your mortal minds crazy, you can call him Carl. He’s my bass player, and he’s thirty times better than Alex!”
“Let me kill him! Let me kill him!” Alex raged making clawing motions as we held him back.
“And this is Kaose, he’s my lead guitar player, his solo’s will blow you away! We’ll see you at the battle, fairies!”
“Let us kill him! Let us kill him!” I yelled reaching for Tice as the crowd held us back.
“Lets go and kick the snot out of him. I know the perfect hit-man to do the job.”

“So you see, Brooklyn’s Dad, that’s what the problem is.”
In a rough voice we heard, “Ah yes, I can understand that, but there is one problem.”
“And what’s that?”
“I…uhhh, am already busy?”

Performance night, Alex tuned his strings and Cody air drummed for no apparent reason. Me and Cameron strummed the strings as the first band went up.
“Tice is next.” Cody said grimly.
We went around back to watch. Smoke poured from the stage, green and black smoke to be precise. A giant dragons head rose up and opened and the drummer began a ferocious beat.
“What do you think, Ty?” Alex asked.
“I have mixed emotions of fear, rage, and sadness at the same time.” I replied.
Suddenly a crazy guitar rhythm started and then a banjo started playing. The band formed up and the crowd remained silent. In an unfamiliar voice, Tice sang:
“You call me U-u-mbo!! Well now its time for my reve-enge! I’m gonna rock you dooooooowwwwnnnnn!!!”

“What the hell is he doing!?” Cody screamed in fear.
“Oh my god! He’s playing the banjo with his tongue!!” Cameron said shielding his eyes.
“If there was ever a sight that would convert me back to religion, that would be it.” Alex said horrified, “But I’m to scared to do it.”

“There is a screeeech in the night! You know who it is! Now feel your heart race! Your gonna die of fright!”

“Holy crap, if the way he’s moving hips doesn’t kill us, his lyrics might.” I said shielding my eyes.
“OH YE GODS!! WHYYYYYY!!!???” Alex yelled to the ceiling as Tice sang his horrible song.

Then finally the shrieking ended and the crowd was silent. Tice now stood in his boxers and the band was flicking there tongues in a satanic manner.
“CHEER DARN YOU!” Tice yelled and the crowd broke into applause and cheers.

We stepped onto the stage and set up, “If Tice threatens us, ignore him, I want to put up a real fight if we have to die!” Alex said plugging in his bass.
“Pfff, you don’t have much to live for anyways, what the heck.” Cody said tapping his snare.
The current opened and we began. I looked to the front row and there was Tice and his death band watching us. Tice mouthed, “If you win, you die.”
I flipped him off, not intentionally, it was the fingering of the note, or so I told people later. Tice kept leering at me, making obscene gestures and licking his hand menacingly. It was more disturbing than anything.

We went backstage and then came back for the results. Tice had been threatening the judges. “First place is…The Umbos led by Tice.” Tice’s face turned red and looked to us. Alex was rolling on the stage laughing, “HAHAHAHAHA! I changed their name! GAHAHAHAHA!”
“Second place goes to…ITY?”
“Heh, sweet.” Cody said. We had come in second with Tice’s death band?

On our way home we went past a dark alley, which was strange cause there usually aren’t dark alleys between school and Alex’s house. But out of the shadows came Tice and his band. “You cheated us!”
“You won, what’s the big deal?” Cody asked but under his breath he added, “You won with fear because you SUCK! You suuuuuccckkk!”
“Bow down and give us your check!” Tice said.
“Bite us.” I replied.
“It’s a fight you want ‘eh? Get ‘em boys!”
Scourge let out a horrible battle shriek and leaped on me. After exchanging punches, Scourge galloped up a wall and attempted to leap on me. I stepped to the left and Scourge fell face first into the ground.
Tice waved his banjo around. Cody saw the banjo and suddenly threw a tantrum. He tossed his drums at Carl and leaped onto Tice. He ripped the banjo from Tice’s clutches, broke Kaose's guitar over his knees, then, grabbing the neck of the banjo like a baseball bat, slammed it into Tice’s head, sending splinters flying everywhere. Tice fell to the ground and screamed like he’d been hit in the head with a banjo. Cody took the broken neck of the banjo and put it in Tice’s mouth.

As we came to Alex’s doorstep, Alex said, “Not a word about anything we saw tonight, except that Tice get smote with his own banjo, hehehehe, that was funny.”