Need advice from the older ( then me ) and vice

[Soulcollector]

okey I try not to put my personal problems here on the forum... I know I have done it before ... but I promise not to make a habit out of it

But in this case, I need advice from the 25+ age group
yes it's about women and relations

My Girlfriend "just hit" 18 and she has begun going out to bars, for dancing and such
This sounds really silly but I see it as a problem... Cause I trouly F-Word Hate bars and dancing places, I classed those as a damn waste of my life and time a few years ago. And it's now obvious that my gal will like the "night life" ... a lot
Now, my gal is religius, among that, meaning that she don't drink. So that is not a concern of mine ( thankfully ) ( note. I drink sencible amouts om rare occations )

Now I don't know how to tackle this. Her girlfriends want to take her out more then rarely. Which... is good cause they don't spend much time otherwice... But I see bars / dancing places as something you Don't involve yourself with when your in a relationship, there should be no use for it ( from my point of view )
Now I have this ... urge / need to go with her out and "protect my interests"... I havn't gone out together with them yet... and I honstly can't say that I really want... like said I trouly F-Word hate dancing places and such

Note we have known each other for about 1.5 years and been together about 1 year of that time

One thing more that gets on my nerve is that she always says that she is going out with her friends... not asking me if she could go, or even asking me if I want to come ( likely cause she knows I don't like the night life )

I know I am most likely making a bigger deal out of this then it has to be... But I honestly need some advice from some people with a bit of experience. I love her and want to handle this the best I can
Sorry for the long "rant"

Advice... please *makes puppy eyes*

[Eithne]

okay ......im there with you about the hating of dancing places and such , but She is only 18 let her experience the fun and get it out of her system. Don't clamp down on her and make her feel as if she has to be with you every second of the day. On the nights she goes out with her friends, you go out with yours.

[Kallysti]

For the love of all that's holy, do not tell her that she has to ask you to do it. I know few better ways to drive someone away.

Let her have her fun. I'm going to take a wild stab and guess that you're afraid she'll meet someone at these places? Someone who, unlike you, does like those F-ing dance places? (Which btw, I'm also right there with you on hating, heh).

If it's a jealousy issue then that's a whole bigger set of problems I'm not willing to tackle at this time. But be honest and ask yourself is that what it is?

[Daiv]

"But I see bars / dancing places as something you Don't involve yourself with when your in a relationship"

Not quite in my view. Its a social gathering, where you can forget common worries and just have a bit of harmless fun.
If she wants to go out and have fun, let her. Go with her too, you might even have fun.
If your girlfriend and her friends go out, as suggested above, have a lads night out.

If you don't let her go out with her friends, she'll probably end up going anyway and thinking less of you.

Let her go out and have fun, go out with her if she asks you to, even if you don't like it. Not too often though :P

Anyway, its a simple thing you'll get over it all :)

[Gnomersy]

personally I'd think you ought to suck it up and go with her once in a while that way she understands that you're there for her regardless of what she's doing and you can just check to see what the places she goes to are like to make sure she doesnt get in any trouble plus later you can appeal to her to go do something you both enjoy

[hekate]

this happens a lot when you meet young as you grow you want to experience life, trust me as im speaking from experience if you try stop this you lose bothe ways.

1 you win she stops at some point down the line she either resents you and leaves or she decides she needs to "experience life" and you get the "CHAT"

2 you lose and she dumps you

fair play to you if you cant deal with her doing this and she stops and is happy but youll be very lucky

[Calid]

I used to LOVE going to bars and dancing. Its when i got older (37 right now) that the club scene lost some of its appeal.

One thing i do know about the ladies (at least the ones i've known) is that they love dancing. I used to be pretty good to (for a fat white guy that is).

But bro....you either go with her or lose her. Is losing her a "damn waste of my life and time"? If not, then go out clubbing with her, who knows...you might get to like it.

[Satrah]

Okay, being 33 and have gone there and done that....I would say, let her know how you feel. And yet....(You had to see that coming *grins*) go about it with a kind tone. Something to the effect of...

"Honey, I'm not real fond of you going out to these clubs. I know you like to, it's just that I worry about...well...losing you to someone else....But I can understand that you want your nights out with your friends."

You're not tightening down the reins, you're explaining your feeling about it. And don't banish her from them, and let her know your NOT banishing her from them. (Yeah I know not easy, but it's you showing some maturity.)

Now, explain why you yourself have problems with clubs, not why you have a problem with her going to clubs....you yourself. (Well at least explain it at some point in time.)

At some point in time, ask if she would mind you going along to the club, just to try it out and see. And do so. Leave the thought of "protecting your interests" at home. (Unless you want to see if she wants you to be the "protector." Some girls get a thrill off of that. *crosses her eyes* If she doesn't....she doesn't.) Go and see what it is that makes clubs fun for her.

Now, there is a plus side to going out, for her...especially if she is dancing. *grins* She's going out and exercising willingly. *laughes* And having fun at it. If you feel up to going to the clubs with her, you and her can share.

Also this is one of the few places she can dress and you can be with her to see her be...well....sexy. (yeah...I know...something you REALLY don't want to hear.) Something you can at some point in time during the night walk up to her and truely complement her on.

If you really do have problems with clubs yourself and aren't up to going with her, get yourself a "guys night out" or something...

Just don't pin her down and keep her from dancing. You're going to have a mess on your hands and have her sulking or breaking up with you. Let her have a bit of freedom with this. It'll cause less problems in her life, as well as yours.

[Delicateopiate]

Ok I'm 29, married at 19 so I went through all of this with my wife and speak from experience.From what i'm gathering, your problem is a simple one, you do not trust your girlfriend thus you are creating problems that do not exsist. What are your fears about her going to these places ? Are you afraid that she is shagging someone else ? If so then it's your insecurity that needs dealt with and not your girlfriends sudden interest in dancing etc. If you push this issue then your going to lose her for good, trust your woman because if she's going to cheat on you then she's going to cheat on you no matter if she goes dancing with her girlfriends or not.

[Soulcollector]

Thanks for the advices
see som really good points here and there
And you are all right in your own ways, and the bottom line seems to be : I need to get over this
*deep sigh*
I can do that...

but I just don't think some of you trouly got a little point so I am going to clarify it ( mostly just for my own entertainment and satesfaction of saying it ^^ )
I like bars / clubs as much as an infected wound on my hand with maggots eating my rottening flesh. I like them as much as having to lick a car clean after a trip through africa. I like them as much as having to eat my own mother in order to stay alive.
So I... Do have an issue with clubs.. if that wasn't the case... this would most likely not have been an issue for me

EDIT : note *points at girlfriend* not the cheating kind *points at self* Has a sick problem with clubs and people that go to them

[Daiv]

Well then, you have a major problem there mate!
Your attitude needs to change.

If you dispise people who goto clubs you're very self centred and need to just let it go man, especially when your girlfriend is joining the masses.
Granted, I don't know what your local clubs are like, but if they're anything like my local ones, people congregate, consume alcoholic/non-alcoholic drinks, chat and dance and enjoy themselves.
What is so wrong with that?

Oh, and before you ask, i'm also guilty of dispising somthing simple.
I loathe Chavs.

[Wolf]

If you think that she needs to ask you to go you have a control problem right there.

How old are you also? This will help in it a little.

Her and dancing is like you and games. If she was trying to make you quit playing videogames you would try to get her to play them also and perhaps she would play (even if hating it) because its something that you like to do. Even if you hate the place go there and screw all the other people, have fun with the woman you love.

[NerfTheWarmech]

Well, first I'd ask what it is you hate about clubs? If it's the way people dance, that "phreaking" phenomena from quite some time ago thankfully does not show up in "grown up" clubs, in my experience. (IE: Over 18 )

(Phreaking was that thing were people would basically act like they were having sex on the dance floor. Gave me a really sour opinion of dance clubs too.)

In my experience, it's usually harmless fun. Sure, there's the occasional lapdancer wannabe, and some of the seedier clubs where guys will just sit and watch from the side, but if it's even a remotely respectable place, it's no different than going to the mall while shaking your booty to really loud music.

From what you've said, it sounds like you DO think she's the cheating type, somewhere deep down. You need to ask yourself, does she have the problem, or do you?

[Tenolein]

I think I feel the same way as you do about clubs. My reasoning is this: (Note: this is in my eyes and experience only) Its only another place for drunken kids (yes, KIDS..) to meet up and 'hook up' for the night.

Funny.. I used to be a club rat. I'd go clubbin' any moment I could with a few of the guys.. ALL the time. But in those days.. I was a drunken kid, wanting a lay.

Now days, I despise my actions then, and I despise those actions now.. To me.. there isn't anything more shallow than that.

On topic now, I'd say make sure yer girl knows yer feelings on clubs and what you think of her going to them. But, like others said before, don't tell her NOT to go. Respect her independence. And remember.. You are not married.

[Delicateopiate]

But, like others said before, don't tell her NOT to go. Respect her independence. And remember.. You are not married.
Even if you were married, you do not own your wife/husband and they are free to do what they wish when they wish. It's all about give and take, and the self knowledge that your signifigant other respects you enough not to sleep around. Agian as I stated above, no matter how controlling you wish to be with your lady, if she wants to get down with OPP, then there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.

[Erling E.]

Personally I love night clubs and "dancing places". Nothing like escaping the daily life for a bit, going out for a drink and a dance. I didn't really want to do it when I was younger, but the recent years I've really picked up a liking for it.

I do not think you should tell her what to do, or prevent her from going out on these places. If she really wants to go, why should you stop her? If it is such a problem, perhaps you should rethink why you're with her. Sounds like something that become a big problem very soon, if she goes out often and you downright hate these places.

And as Kallysti says, if you order her not to go, that would definetly drive her away. Unless you really can't stand going there, I really think you should go with her. I don't know your relationship in detail, but it might happen that she will start regarding you as boring. No offense! But I've seen many relationships (my own included) end over things like this.

What I want to ask you about is why you hate these places. Do you have a reason you want to share with the rest of us? Is it the drinking? Is it the people? Is it the dancing? The music? Maybe you just need to find the place thats right for you?

[Soulcollector]

I should note that "ordering her" to not go out has never even crossed my mind... I can clearly see that people can draw that conclution easily though... and same case out being affraid that she will sleep with someone else... hasn't crossed my mind
but all I would like from time to time is a "honey, is it ok if I go out on friday or did you have anything planned for us?"

Even my last... hrmm... initmate-friend asked if it was ok if she went out before comming over to my place

in any case. Tenolein I'm with you on most parts *gives a nod* thats about the complete view I have of it
What I want to ask you about is why you hate these places. Do you have a reason you want to share with the rest of us? Is it the drinking? Is it the people? Is it the dancing? The music? Maybe you just need to find the place thats right for you?

I don't like danceing, I only listen to AC/DC so I mostly just recent the music at clubs. I have gone out a lot a few years ago when I was 18 myself ( 23 at this moment ). And the only place in town I can stay in for more then an hour with out going home with a downright horrible mood is the little irish theemed pub... But they still have some, of the people... see further down for that

hmm to state and clarify a few more things perhaps... and perhaps get a bit different conversation going

I'm from sweden... I don't know what the alcohol habits are in your countrys... but here people tend to drink... a lot ( no swedes arn't famus for that at all *whistles innocently* )
And one of the many things I do hate about the clubs... are the drunken people, those obnoxius, loud mouth edgy moody sons of B***** that you can't speak to even at the level of a 5 year old

And drinking isn't even needed in cases. Seems as no mater if alcohol is involved or not, people use the clubs and bars as excuses to retard themself to the level of a preeteen and act like socially misadapted runaways from - enter your own favorite place of recent here - for the night... that is... if they arn't just out to look for a lay, as Tenolein and I already stated, which about my guess 80-90% of the people going out are

I guess my real problem ( has a moment of clarity ) is that I can't understand how anyone with some sence, much less a girl that I have so much incommon with, can like to be around that.

[Daiv]

Let them enjoy themselves. I agree to some extent with what you say. But do you really go out to a club for other people?

When I go out, it is purely for the entertainment of myself and the friends i'm with. Sod everyone else, point and laugh.

[Erling E.]

There is a difference between getting drunk and going out to night clubs. You don't need to drink yourself silly. I drink, but I never drink enough to make me go stupid. There is a limit. I'm from Norway by the way, Mr. Swedish.

So is she drinking a lot? That might be a problem, of course. Many people can't control themselves.

Anyway, I understand it might be a problem if she just heads out on the town without even telling you, or asking you if you had anything else planned. You two are a couple, so that would certainly be the decent thing to do. Maybe you should tell her this, and ask for some understanding?

But if she is enjoying this, and you really dislike the fact that she does enjoy it, I can say little more than: yes, you got a big problem on your hands.

That's a conflict of interest.

Not much help, am I. ;)

[Jennivere]

My opinion is that if you have something planned or want to do spend time with her, then you should tell her. She shouldn't have to ask about it or if it is okay to go out. You're dating each other, you don't own each other, or each others time. In previous relationships, that is what having to ask to go out implies to me. I've also been in relationships where the other person wanted to spend time with me, but would never say so and then get upset when I was doing my own thing.

[NerfTheWarmech]

Wow. Nice stereotyping. Or is the club scene in Sweden that much worse?

I assumed you were American for some reason. And all my experience is from American clubs. If someone's being a drunken ass, they get kicked out. If not, then you should reconsider your choice of clubs. Most decent club owners know that one drunken loser can cost them quite a bit in returning patrons.

I know in the area I used to live in, there were a lot of BAD clubs, and one good one. The problem is the good one tended to be dangerous outside.

from another poster:
another place for drunken kids (yes, KIDS..)

All the adults I know that enjoy dancing in a social setting would like to point out that by that logic, videogames are just something kids (yes, KIDS) play because they can't handle real social interaction. Just because you see a few losers doesn't mean the majority of people aren't there to just have fun.

In fact, back to the original poster, I don't see how it's any different than playing an online game. There's plenty of jerks there, too. So you go in with friends and people you know until you know who you can trust.

But then, it sounds more like your issue is that she's not telling you, in which case it's a communication issue.

I'd like to know what causes your bad mood? Is it the music? Or the people you're with?

And to touch lightly on the age topic, just from your post, I think the problem is your relationship is turning you into an authority figure. She's at a point in her life where she's trying new things. You've likely settled into your groove. Unless you realize you're going to have to put up with a lot of changes in her, you might not work out. I see it all the time when seniors date freshmen at college. They aren't prepared to handle the idea that the person they're dating is going to be very different before they settle down. I've never seen anyone go through freshmen year without at least a few major changes, unless they were incredibly mature to begin with.

[Satrah]

Oof.....okay...I can understand a bit of where you're coming from.

When I had gone dancing...it was to just that....enjoy the music and dance.

Now, about the nutcase drinkers....*snickers*...

I don't drink much, mainly...cause I tend to have fun watching how far they tend to push themselves with their drinking. For most part...*smirks and snickers again* it would get humorous watching what they would do to themselves.

Truthfully, I grew up with my twisted father showing me the humor of people getting totally smashedly drunk. (I know, smashedly is not a word...but dang some of the things people would do. Just boogles the mind.) The reason being that he had shown me this was 1) being a firefighter he wanted me to safe and able to take care of myself 2) he wanted me to get a fairly good idea what alcohol does to the body 3) he was sadistic son of a gun.

I usually had a better time watching people get drunk, then be drunk. Most part if I do drink, it's to have a soft buzz, when I'm home, and every other month. *laughes a little sheepishly*