Am I a bad person?

[Korkskrew]

I'm gonna keep this short because if I don't I'll end up ranting, and no one wants to hear that.

I haven't spoken to my father in five years. This has caused me so much grief these last five years, and I'm really at a loss. I always find myself asking the same questions.

Am I just a horrible person?

What should I do?

I really just need anything right now. Anything at all.

[Erling E.]

I think to answer that, we would need to know why you won't talk to him. Perhaps you have a good reason to? But, not knowing the details here, you should always try to keep on to family as much as possible. But I'm sure everyone has a certain breaking point, where a relationship is so broken that it is beyond repair. But only you know that right now.

If you got a reason, you're not a bad person. Whether or not the reason is good enough, is up for you to decide.

[Korkskrew]

I guess I should elaborate.
For one thing, he was an alcoholic, and an angry drunk. He was stubborn as hell and abusive. I think what finally did it for me was when I was 14, and he hit me, so I hit him back, and then he beat me senseless. The beatings weren't as frequent as the insults and reminders that I was unwanted though. It's really all a rich tapestry.

[Nulien]

Just my opinion... but it sounds to me like it's a good thing you haven't spoken in a while. Maybe he'd be easier to get along with now that you're a bit older, maybe not... I can't really say.

But to answer your first question, no, you're not a horrible person.

[Insomniac]

Do you live with him? My husband and his father had a LOT of problems when he was living at home.....he ended up breaking his dad's jaw once. And his dad ended up living in a camper out back for a year....
After my husband moved out, things slowly got better. Not having to put up with his dad all the time made it easier for him to forgive him, eventually.
Just keep in mind, most people who have problems with their parents don't really resolve them until they're older...Like when they have their own kids. Or when the parents realize that their kids aren't under their control anymore.
If you tried to reconcile now, would he still end up being abusive?

[Daiv]

Well, I wouldn't talk to him.

I had a falling out with my dad once, I spent 4 hours sitting in the rain because I refused to go into the house (We had a fight, broke a load of furniture, he's a weight lifter, i do martial arts.. Ohh the damage).
After that we became best of mates. Was strange.

Can try to make contact with your dad, maybe he has wisened. You're not a bad person for thinking that. If that was how my dad treated me, I'd be struggling not to go over and beat him senceless. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but i would explain how horrible my father was, and how I felt about it. I would also explain that I'd do what I could to help.
Basicaly, I would give him one last chance.

Alternatively, move on, be proud of what you have lived through.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

[Darth Lorax]

Kork, after everything I've read from you I can confidently say that you are a wonderful person. You’re eccentric but that’s why I like you. It just reinforces my opinion of you that it bothers you even though your actions are justified.

It may be too soon but people can and normally do change; sometimes for the better. I know people who’ve had a terrible relationship with a parent reconcile later in life. Don’t deny the possibility.

[Puckster]

I agree pretty much with Lorax. Despite everything, you've grown up to be a really good person. You're probably better off without him. Don't give up, though. There may be a time and place where the past can be put to rest and you can make a new future. It sounds like you're totally capable. The question on the table is, is he? When you feel you're ready, you may go to him and show him the man you've become. He may realize what a mistake he's made. He may also stick to his old ways. If the latter is the case, then you can still walk away knowing that you were the better person. If he doesn't realize the person you are, then that's totally his loss.

[thepigsmustdie]

You are a not a bad person for that happening to you. Same thing strarted with me untill I thretned I would not hold back if he swung. My dad is 5'7" and 180 and muscle, Me 6'1" 270 and mostly muscle. He did not want to mess with me.


Its just the fact you lost trust and respect for your dad and right now I guess you feel a void. Family has no bridges to burn. It was also manly you are the one who got mad so try talking to him if he has not changed you still have a reason if he has mabe he is a better person.

[Aerrn]

No your not a bad person. My father was an alcoholic also, him and my mom were divorced and due to his job, he was a piperliner,ie wielder, I never saw him much. Did live with him and my step mom for a wee bit in part of my senior year and he stayed with my and my husband for a few weeks when we were first married. After that I never saw nor spoke to him again, that was for 25 years . I always wish things were different, that we were closer and now he is gone. NOW That is totatlly diferent than your situation but I wanted to let you know I kinda understand. Hard as it is you need to forgive him, not for his benefit but for yours. others have suggested contacting him, maybe by phone? If nothing has changed at least you tried and is all one can do. I'll of course remember you in my prayers

[Evil_Gondi]

Kork, you're one of the bestest people I know. I would have long stopped calling him father. Hell, I would have killed the man by now.

He screwed up, he's at fault, he doesn't deserve to know you, much less speak with you.

[Dilorenzo]

Just like everyone else's said, you're not a bad person Kork- it's just a bad situation. If you're feeling bad about it, you can try and bridge the gap- but if he's still the same as he was then, the best thing for you would be to keep up what you're doing now.
You don't need to bog yourself down with someone who doesn't care for you, it'll only lead to problems down the line. But if he's willing to make another go of it- to try and get to know who you are now, by all means give it a shot.

[Korkskrew]

First of all, thanks a lot guys. This has really helped.
Truthfully, I've been wanting to reconcile for a while now, but I have no idea what to say and I'm actually a little scared I might go beserk when I see him. I still keep in touch with my mom, and from what I've heard he's still drinking, and that was the one thing that really stood out.
Do you think an intervention would be a good idea?

[Evil_Gondi]

An intervention would be a good idea, but only if you have plenty of people that care about him in there, and maybe someone strong to keep him there.

[Gnomish]

I guess I should elaborate.
For one thing, he was an alcoholic, and an angry drunk. He was stubborn as hell and abusive. I think what finally did it for me was when I was 14, and he hit me, so I hit him back, and then he beat me senseless. The beatings weren't as frequent as the insults and reminders that I was unwanted though. It's really all a rich tapestry.

I dont think you are a bad person for not talking to your dad.

[boghira]

Its hard to bring yourself up to talk to someone close to you that you feel has hurt you. My stepfather was never abusive to me or my siblings but he was never really a father to me either. He would never be home, he would miss dinners because of running a hectic business.

I'm the oldest child in my familly and I felt seriously left out when my stepfather didn't show up for my graduation from elementary school, he didn't show up for my graduation from junior high. he showed up for graduation from highschool but he left before they even started giving out the diplomas. Basically he was never involved in what i was doing.

At one point we got into an argument over something minor and it got full blown into a fight at the end of which he gave me an ultimatum either i leave the house or he will leave. After that it was prety hard to talk to him because I felt like after so much time that he wasn't involved in anything I did he desided to get involved and it got ugly.

Shortly after my parents sepparated and I have never once talked to my stepfather. I feel bad about it sometimes but I feel like we have nothing to talk about as we have absolutely nothing in common. He prety much missed out on me growing up. i don't know if i'll ever speak to him, only time will tell.

[Satrah]

Don't feel bad...it's truthfully not your fault.

I know...doesn't make the questioning go away.

I at times had a serious dislike torwards my mother. I finally started talking to her when I was ready to talk to her.

During the time I wasn't up to talking to her, I would at times say this, "I love my mother....doesn't mean I like her."

Trust me, it took me a long time to talk to her, it might take you a long time to talk to your father.

Don't stress about trying to forgive him. Don't try to get him to stop drinking either. He's got to do that all on his own. (Not meant to sound mean. I've just found over time that a person has to want to change themselves. Almost be driven to change themselves.)

And truthfully, I've mostly forgiven my mother for doing the things she's done, but I'm still very cautious around her.

So don't tear yourself up inside wondering if you're a bad person or not. If you are torn up...or wanting to vent, well, what I had done was write how I felt and such down in a journal. Even went into great detail about it. Might help you...might not. But I'll tell you this much, it felt nice getting my anger onto paper, sorted out instead of having it all jumbled in my head. It made it easier to actually talk to her afterwards.

*shrug*

[Soria]

Hmmm.. I don't what to do about the father thing, mind you I wouldn't talk to my father either if he ever hit me...


But in answer to the ' Am I a horrible person' thing...


:: big squeezey hugs::

KORKIE GOOD!