My mother

[Ambrya]

My alcoholic mother's husband died last November. She had lived with the man for 22 years (read: used him for a meal, and more importantly, beer ticket while giving the absolute minimum in return) married him only after finding out he had lung cancer and the prognosis wasn't good, and then proceded to play the grieving widow to the hilt for a very sympathetic audience of family and friends.

Before dying, he arranged for her to inherit his life insurance and savings (to the tune of around $100K) and his house, which unimproved would have sold as a fixer-upper for nearly another $100K and if renovated could easily go for $150-$200K. Not a fortune, but since the house was completely paid for, the cash should have been enough to get her by, considering that if she was frugal until she hit the age of 60, she could also get his Social Security to supplement what was left over. In other words, if she had had an ounce of responsibility in her body, she could have lived a modest, comfortable life for her remaining years.

But no, it was too much to hope that she could actually for ONCE take responsibility for herself and be frugal with that money, which she didn't even remotely deserve to receive and by all rights should have been the birthright of her husband's own children. In SIX MONTHS time, she managed to blow through all the cash, including buying a new Mustang and spending something on the order of $50K making unnecessarily extravagent renovations to the kitchen of the house (marble counter-tops, changing her mind after work was already done and requiring it to be redone, etc.) By June, she was completely penniless.

Now...she didn't tell me any of this. In fact, no one did. I knew she was spending more than she ought, but I had no idea she had bought the car or was spending THAT much on renovating the kitchen.

In June, one of my mom's cousins in Arkansas dies unexpectedly of a coronary aneurism. My mom was supposedly very close to this cousin, like sisters, and in fact my older sister is named after this cousin. Well, apparently my mom was SO close to this cousin that she takes up with the woman's husband AT THE FUNERAL! Six months, mind you, after her own husband has died. Six months in which she has made the most of her bereavement.

Last time I heard from my mother was the end of July. She called me the day before what would have been her one year wedding anniversary to tell me not to call her the next day for her anniversary because she plans to spend the day alone mourning. Does she mention her cousin's widower when telling me this? No. Does she mention the fact that, by all reports from other family members who were at the funeral of her cousin, she and he were absolutely SHAMELESS in their flirtation? No. Instead, she makes a huge deal about how sad it will be to not have her husband around for their one-year anniversary and spends an hour letting me "comfort" her.

Now, my mother is in Arkansas with her cousin's widower. Apparently, he drives a truck, and she has suddenly decided that she has ALWAYS wanted to be a truck driver, so she's going to have him teach her. Nevermind that many years ago she had her license revoked in at least one state for DUI and I suspect it's highly unlikely any state will give her a CDL.

And to make things even better, before leaving Michigan to do move in with this guy, she takes out a mortgage on the fully paid-for house that her husband left her, the house which is the only asset she has remaining to her. She takes out a $50K mortgage on a house that could have easily sold for $150K, and falsifies her income statement to get it. So now my sister is making the monthly payments on the house and living there while mom is in Arkansas. If my sister moves out and mom can't make the payments, mom's going to lose the house and be absolutely destitute, having pissed away everything her husband left her.

I'm so furious I don't know where to begin...but the thing is, I can't figure out exactly what it is that is making me mad.

Am I mad that she didn't tell me what she was doing, or that she was packing up and moving and didn't let me know where or how to reach her? Well, that's a legitimate reason to be angry, but I'm not sure that's actually MY reason.

Am I angry that she pissed away every damn cent her husband left her in less than a year, and that she's almost certainly going to end up losing the house as well? Why should I be? It wasn't my money she pissed away...while it's proper to be outraged on behalf of my step-siblings to whom the money should rightfully have gone, I don't think it justifies the kind of fury I feel.

Am I angry at the fact that less than seven months after her husband dies, she takes up with another man, and does so AT THAT MAN'S WIFE'S FUNERAL? That the wife was a cousin my mother claims to have loved like a sister? Again, it's a valid reason for outrage, but does it justify my reaction when I barely knew the woman myself.

Am I angry at the way she continued to play the grieving widow and milk me for sympathy even after she had taken up with this guy? Yeah, I really am, but isn't that the sort of manipulative, attention-whoring behavior I should know to expect from her by now? Is it her I am angry at, or myself for being such a dupe?

I don't know...all I do know is that right now, I am trying to decide how much of a drama queen I want to be about this. I need to let her know, should she ever bother trying to contact me again, that she has absolutely crossed a line. I'm just not sure if I am justified in completely cutting her out of my life, which is really what I am inclined to do, lest she decide to wind up on my doorstep when she is homeless and destitute, as she is almost certainly going to end up being. That's probably an overly-bitchy reaction, but I am just not sure I want anything to do with the woman anymore. I'm just disgusted with her.

[Korkskrew]

If it's one thing I know, it's parental angst :\

She sounds like a gold digger to me, and maybe just telling her what you think of her habits and less than frugal spending and he utter disrespect for her husband. I've been down that road. It's full of stupid drama and pointless arguments and sometimes you get nothing out of it (read: my life) but it might be different for you.

If you want an honest opinion, I'd tell the bitch what I think, then bugger off and let her dig herself into an even deeper hole. It doesn't sound like she deserves your help right now. From what I read it sounds like she'll be relatively screwed in a couple of years when people start to realize what's going on.

Of course, my opinions are somewhat biased...

[Breandan]

all I do know is that right now, I am trying to decide how much of a drama queen I want to be about this. Don't be one. Move on with your life and never again speak to or recognize the existence of this honourless curr who's only good act in life was to birth children who have the opportunity to be far better people than their womb-on-feet (for she is unworthy of the name "mother").

[Satrah]

*snickers at what Breandan says* So very true.

Truthfully, let her dig her own hole. You do have right to be angry. But you shouldn't have to have the need to be drama queen. Just simply not talk to her. If she tries to contact you, tell her "I know you have all kinds of things going on in your life right now Mom, but I'm rather busy at the moment. Was nice hearing from you. Bye." (Fill in with what you are busy with, if you want.)

Rinse and repeat as many times needed. Make sure you have no money ties invested with her. (Like her and you sharing payments on something.) Don't want to have her creating more havoc with your stuff and such. Sooner or later she'll run out of money and she'll probably come to you and ask you for something....you do the rinse and repeat and go about your merry way.

Maybe she might get the hint...maybe she won't. If she actually decides to ask, or pester on why you won't talk much to her, you have the option then on either telling her you are busy with <whatever> or...give her the fully loaded shotgun of truth. (Also depends on how you feel at the moment.) Just make sure the relatives you love and care for have a clue about how you feel about what your mother is doing. So that if she goes to them about your anger, they can back you up and tell her she had it coming.

Sorry...had my own mother pull some really stupid arse sh*t herself.

[Lirren]

I have the same sort of problem with one of my husband's brothers. He lives off of his father and when his father dies, I have absolutely no doubt that he'll attempt to live off of us.

I'm in Breandan's camp. Wash your hands of her and refuse to let her drag you down.

[Dilorenzo]

What's been said here is the only way to go. Don't g down he drama queen route, because that'll lead to more drama, and drama leads to having to actually talk to the person you don't want to talk to. Sounds like she hasn't done anything remotely motherly for you, at least recently, and causes you and your siblings nothing but grief.
Best thing to do is to just walk away from that- and if she changes, and proves that she has changed, let her back into your life. If not, mother or not, she doesn't deserve help, or even compassion.

[Ciarin]

I disagree a bit. I think you should help your mom if she is in need. Maybe an intervention is in order.

[Ambrya]

Thank you guys for the support and input. When I said I was debating how much of a drama queen I wanted to be about it, I was basically channelling what the rest of my family would accuse me of if I wrote the woman a letter informing her that I don't find what she has done to be acceptable and that I don't want anything to do with her from here on out. I really don't think that's being a drama queen, but my family has just never gotten past the need to enable her behavior by helping her out every time she falls on hard times. They don't seem to understand that until she hits rock bottom, she's never going to turn herself around. The longer they cushion the blow, the longer she is going to carry on this way.

People have been helping her all her life. She KNOWS she has a problem, but she just doesn't care. When people try to help her with it, she just nods and pretends to be contrite until they are satisfied and go away. When she started having kids at 17, occasionally she would try to work and find her own place to live, but she could never pull it off for long and always ended up back with her mother. When it became obvious that she was not fit to care for her children, my grandmother took in my sister and I to raise while an aunt took our little brother. I only saw her on weekends and during the summer, and most of that time she was drunk and I was essentially trapped with her because no one ever told me I had the option of not being there. My mother's MO was basically to pick up a guy at a bar, go home with him, and never leave until he got tired of supporting her drunk, lazy ass, then head back to the bar and repeat the whole thing.

That's how she found the man who became her late husband. He just had a higher tolerance than most, because he put up with her for 22 years, supporting her, buying her beer when she demanded it, paying for her cigarettes, giving her cash when she wanted to buy something, and living in a complete pig sty because she wouldn't even get herself off the sofa to clean the house. He offered dozens of times to put her through rehab, but she always refused. The man had a lot of rough edges and was difficult to deal with, but no one who saw the way he took care of her could possibly ever accuse him of not being a good man. I don't know why his children, who were teenagers when she first moved in and saw the dynamics of that relationship, were supportive of his marrying her and trying to set her up so that she was taken care of with the money that would have been their inheritance. She certainly had no right to it, but they were behind the idea 100%.

She hasn't really been drinking anymore--since the mid-90s, every few years she'll go on a bender for a few days, but it's not common anymore. The problem is, she has replaced drinking with other compulsions, like spending money.

When her husband died, I tried to help her. I told her what she needed to do was put the cash money in a trust which was set up to disperse a monthly allowance sufficient to pay the bills, and she said she had done that. When I saw she had bought new furniture, I had a long talk with her about the fact that she REALLY couldn't afford to do things like that if she wanted the money he had left her to last until she was old enough to collect his Social Security, which she agreed was the case and said pretty much all the right things to get me to shut up and go away. But I'm 2000 miles away; I can't babysit her.

My mother had wanted her sister's husband--a very intelligent and responsible man that the entire family admires--to help her manage her money, but he said all he would do is advise her, and I really can't blame him. He already has not only his own household finances to manage, but also those of his elderly mother. I spoke to my husband about having her sign control of the money over to us, so that WE could manage her funds and keep her on an allowance/budget, but no one in the family thought that was a good idea and my husband was afraid of what would happen if someone accused us of mismanaging them, so that never took place.

So it's not like people haven't tried to help her. She just makes herself impossible to help, because there is only so long you can go on offering help to someone who refuses to help herself. She had a golden opportunity for once in her miserable, pathetic, sorry, wasted, useless excuse of a life to step up to the plate and be responsible for herself, and she blew it. And the rest of my family doesn't seem to see why this is a problem. And maybe I wouldn't either, if not for the emotional manipulation she does. That's what has made me think I really want nothing more to do with her.

I have to hand it to her: she's a good actress. She honestly had me believing she was grieved at the loss of her husband. But obviously she wasn't quite as grieved as she came off as being if she could take up with her cousin's widower practically over top of the woman's coffin. Even that, I could probably forgive, if not for the fact that a full month AFTER she had taken up with this guy, she's on the phone to me still playing her role of the grieving widow to her her sympathy/attention fix. So no...I'm not even remotely inclined to help her at this point. I don't think there is any helping her. I just don't want myself or my own family anywhere near ground zero when she finally manages to self-destruct.