How could she do this to me?

[Jacene]

Im sorry for constantly tainting these boards with my life. I do it in all honesty though and I really like help from yall, but this post has a very different mood.

I found out that Jessica, the girl ive being going after for awhile and have been friends with for awhile is a complete attention whore.

Out of everything she has told me I don't know what is truth and what isn't. You might wonder how I figured this out? From her own damn mouth, I was just too stupid to figure it out, my feelings blocking the truth. When we met she claimed she was raped and made pregnant by her ex boyfriend who then ran away to Georgia. I always wondered why she was still cheery even though this happened. I just went on with it, I believed her, and I helped her in any way I could then she said she got a miscarriage, and after recently talking to an older friend of mine, she asked me "How did the miscarriage happen?" and I told her and she laughed and said "Thats not possible, my best friend had a miscarriage and thats not how it works at all". So I kept this to myself, then when we talked last she was like "I don't think it was a miscarriage, im getting morning sickness, I have every day this week", well she spent the night with a friend two days earlier and I asked her friend if had been puking and her friend said no she hasn't.

Then when Jessica went through her "I hate my life" stage...well is still going through it, she did the self inflicted slitting of wrists. I saw the scar and held her wrist and looked at her and said "Do you want to tell me something?" and she showed me a picture she took of it when she did it on her phone, I told a friend of mine named Steph who went through the same thing, and she said "Im sorry but shes an attention whore, anyone who does that because they are really depressed won't take a picture of it to flash around".

There are a million other things this girl has told me I believed...and I can't believe it...like how she witnessed her best friend being murdered by her mother at 6...how she was raped by 5 different people continually for 7 years. How her mother has cancer, or her parents are divorcing. Now if its one thing I know its cancer, my sister had it, my second home was the hospital and her mom doesn't have it. Her parents get along and love each other. Everything shes told me I think is a lie now.

I am so mad, I mean I am one of those people who when I am mad, im calm until I eventually explode. I am so pissed about the time, the money, the feelings I wasted for her. How we would talk on her balcony and at 2am i would carry her into her bed when she fell asleep, tuck her in then climb off the balcony and drive home. How I would come to all her cheerleading games to keep her company since her arm is messed up and she can't cheer. How I drove her around...every bit of sympathy I gave her, how when we talked, I spoke the honest truth. God knows what the hell she said. I have never, honestly speaking, NEVER clicked with someone as much as I did with her. Its like when we met we talked the night before, and we have known each other all our lives. I understand her well, I know exactly what she is feeling no matter how she makes it feel. And I can't believe she would do this to me, ive done so much and asked for NOTHING in return NOTHING, except her friendship.

I can't believe she would lie about SO much.

[Wolf]

God that sucks man. If something did that, even a girl, I'd have to physically do something, thats rediculous. 5 guys over 7 years though, she'd be pretty messed up from that so there is a big sign right there.

Actually, this one girl told me she was raped as a kid and I don't believe her, but then again she is pretty muscular now.... /barf.

But ya, man I feel bad for you. She's bound to fail in life if she needs to do that for attention.

[Korkskrew]

Tell her she sucks and move on.

[Insomniac]

How do you know she's actually lying?

[Breandan]

How do you know she's actually lying?In my experience, more often than not when a girl under 25 is telling you about the horrible things that have happened to her, it is either A) because she has a screw loose as a result, and is an emotional basketcase who delights in telling everyone about the deprivations visited upon her by others, or B) far more commonly, she is a bull$#*^^ing drama queen who does it for the attention. I have dealt with many women who HAVE been raped, who HAVE been mollested, and lemme tell you, there is a notable difference between the ones who have endured it and the ones who do it for attention. Frankly, drama queens and attention-whores in general disgust me, so my opinion of this case should be self-evident.

[Korkskrew]

Breandan... You have a way with words man, you're saying what I'm thinking, yet I lack the eloquence to write.

[Jacene]

Ive never dealt with actual girls who have been raped and other things but I mean she was just way too happy 2 minutes after she told me, I remember perfectly we were sitting in bed of my truck in a parking lot off the highway, she goes there by herself to think alot and we were talking and she told me, so naturally I comfort her, the whole arm around deal, she lays her head on my shoulder etc., but then she was like "Lets go drive around and sing with loud music!" and my gut told me something just wasn't right.

I still hate this though, I can't believe she would do this, does she have no heart?

Apparently if she does its black.

[Kaylen]

Be glad you hadn't gotten involved in a relationship with her yet and cut your losses. There's nothing to be gained, and you can't help her because all signs point to her wanting to be this way.

I've had more experience than I'd like with that sort of person, and if I knew then what I know now, I'd have fewer bad memories. You usually learn this stuff the hard way, though.

[Mutton]

I would have to say you made one of the greatest fallacies of the Socratic Method. You put hypothesis before observation, or rather answer before reason.

Its a very common mistake so don't take it emotionally. In fact I would venture a guess that due to the commonality of this kind of error the girl in question has been programmed to unconsciously(?) take advantage in such situations as a form of social crutch.

In any case:
Walk away and seek to learn from the experience
only by seperating yourself can you reflect.
You have a few additional options.
1- You can acknowledge and thank her as a teacher in the methods of incomplete people. Just not to her face, or she'll short for sure.
2- Consider her a Bitch and grow bitter.
3- Pity her as she hasn't learned the lessons she teaches, and the lessons she creates for herself will be harsh.
4- Envy her for the amount she has to grow.

Personally I'm a fan of #1

[Satrah]

Oy....

Gads, sounds like someone I knew...

I put a ton of attention into her and found myself sick literally with worry about her. Too damn busy paying attention to her. She was one of my friends. She seemed most stable when her boyfriend was around. But when he went into the Army (shortly after marrying her) she kind of lost it.

And then some. She had cuts on her arm that looked the wrong direction (self impossed cuts that she said someone else did.) She had a habit of spending money left right and center, then calling his CEO and saying he wasn't sending any home to her. (That DID not go well with him or the CEO.) She came up with far fetched stories and such that got wilder by the second. She also seemed to not be able to keep from jumping into any guys' bed or being a full fledged c*ck tease. I spent my hard earned money on her at times and such too.

Finally...he came home and just in time...He realized he needed to take her away from me when I came up with an fever from an undetected infection (I hadn't kept good track of my own body to realize it was trying to get me to heal.) and I ended up in the hospital for a day. I got better...slowly. Poor man kept apologizing to me about not realizing what kind of havoc she created.

A few years later he divorced her. He no longer had the energy to keep her happy anymore.

Truthfully...best to stay away for your own health. Consider her an interesting lesson worth not repeating.

Yeesh

Sorry for going warped like that....Just Vic brought out the unealthy in me.

[Jacene]

Yea I do realize I am lucky that I never got involved with her in a romantic relationship.

I think though the worst part of this whole thing...is that I still care about her so much and I don't want her to do anything stupid, and this new guy shes with, hes not a good influence on her either. I know I know she is a crazy phyco bitch but I can't just turn my back on her like that.

[Eithne]

Girls like this "friend " of yours, often put themselves in the position of being the victim. They find men who will treat them like dirt, but they also have a great way of finding incredibly strong people who love them. They date and get involved with the guys who treat them like dirt while keeping the good guys at an arms length and when the bad guys shovel crap on them, the girls in turn come crying to the strong people and vampirically suck all of the care and nurture from them. It is much better for you in the long run to sever the ties you have with this "friend" and go on. Believe me I know how hard it is to do this. I have had to do this before. My Gods, it tears your heart out but you in turn become an even stronger, even better person than you already are.

[deathjack]

Wow, this thread reminds me of high school. seesh.

I mean, we all have friends to some degree that are attention whores. I used to know serveral, but as we got older I stopped being around these kind of people. Of course it's happened to me when I get a picture thrown in my face of an Attempted Suicide. I mean seriously a picture? It wasn't hand held so basically someone was there to watch?

Well, a few years ago my brother try to suicide, and he tried properly, fortunatly he was unsuccessful and after some counseling he was ok. That whole experience made me cold to the AW's, "yes I'm sorry that you tried to commit suicide... again... and the miscarriage, and the ****, and the... so on and so on.. and it all happened yesterday? really? wow, that sucks"

Basically, In my limited experience people who've had horrible things happen to them aren't quite anxious to declare it to everyone. And those that do ussually are just trying to get you to look at them with pity and sympathy, and that just sucks the life out of people. A wall and distance would be the best defence, if you still listen but refuse to lavish attention on a minute by minute basis, I've found that the person finds someone else to latch onto pretty quick. After all is they only do this for attention, then the second you don't provide it they will either a) give up trying and still be you friend, b) give up trying and you become one of the sob stories for the next sucker, c)grow up and get on with life as it is now, not how it was.

The part of this thread that kills me is that these things have happened to people and I don't know a single **** vistim that is proud to be one.

Jacene, don't turn your back on her, just understand what she is and act accordingly. You're probably aren't the only one in her life that she wants attention from. The second the attention slips she'll discover someone else, and you'll be a top story for awhile.
There really is no diplomatic way to deal with this. Either you spend more energy getting her to understand or, you just let her go.

My apologies for getting carried away. This is one topic that has burned me quite a few times.

[Jacene]

I don't know really how to deal with it in all honestly. I think maybe she is doing the avoiding thing though, she hasn't called and we usually always talk at least everyday or every other day. We haven't spoken in almost a week so maybe she will the things are weird between us...maybe not but I don't know, if she does start talking to me again then I have no idea how I am going to approach this. Other people have said I could try to help her and have a serious impact on her life for real, and some others said I can go and let her suck in someone else.

[deathjack]

Other people have said I could try to help her and have a serious impact on her life for real, and some others said I can go and let her suck in someone else.

Both are good choices, either way, try to just keep a sense of detatchment. Understand but stay out of the finer details, I try to offer advice, and give support, but if they start pestering me to 'agree' and 'take their side' I start to bring up counter points.

Sometimes the best trick is the ole "people's eyebrow" and the whole "oh yeah?" thing ussually works wonders too. You really can make a difference in her life but you need to ask yourself if you are ready to raise a child.

You'll need to decide for yourself what to do. Maybe by not talking to you because she's found someone else to lavish attention on her. She may feel that you're ingoring her. Or maybe, she tires of telling the same stories over and over. I know what I would do, and I don't want to have you become cold to someone on the count of me. I choose carefully who I let into my life, because all friends come with baggage and even I have mine.

What Eithne said is right tho, you'll be a happier person overall to learn to deal with this kind of person. If you manage to deal with her then there will be more. You'll need to choose which people to devote energy to and which people you need to /ignore. It's a hard decision but either you make the choice as to whether she's savable or not, or you'll find yourself as depressed and needy as she seems to be.

I for one can't be a rock for everyone anymore, only my girlfriend and one or two others.

So, getting back on track, you'll need to figure this out for yourself, we on this thread can only offer insights on what you can do, or what we've done. After all, even counselors have counselors.

You said she hasn't talked to you for the week, do you feel releived or lost? If releived then it's time for her to go. If you feel lost then maybe you need her as much as she needs you.

I hate being cryptic but this is one battle you'll need to figure out for yourself. What works for me may not work for you.

Everyone so far has brought up good points, read the whole thread again and decide for yourself.

GoodLuck;
DJ

[Da_Dude]

Then might I suggest this song Gasoline-Seether.

Sorry to hear about it man. Life deals ya a joker sometimes...or maybe a Queen of "Drama" Hearts would be more approiate for this situation. Ya well anyway listen to that song. Music is the best medicine*sp.

[Jacene]

Nice song Da Dude.

And I decided I am going to go ahead and stay in contact with her but not be her person she always comes to so I will agree with her.

Im going to try to help her in figuring out she is like this and hopefully she will want to change.

We'll see, but thanks alot for the input yall, I needed it.

[HyfighStereo]

That chances of you showing her who she is are slim. A problem you will run into is that IF you do, she's going to go crazy on you anyhow. Like most have suggested, cutting your losses seems like a pretty good idea. As nice as person you think she is, it's apparrent she isn't that person. Probably never has been, and for sure never will be. Another problem you're probably going to hit is when she starts talking to other people about 'things you've done to her'. If she hasn't already, I'm sure you'll soon hear from her friends about how you two have been dating off and on and other, more devious things. People like that don't just talk to you. They 'open up' to anyone who will sit long enough to listen. They will also talk about EVERYONE they are involved with, even in a minor way, but blow it up into something that it couldn't possibly be. She's lied to you on more than a few occassions. These haven't been little white lies to protect your feelings either. These have been huge, life changing lies. This means you can't trust her. Not only can you not trust her in the information she gives to you, but you won't be able to trust her with information you confide in her. I'm sorry, but I can't see any reason to remain in contact with someone like that simply because she can't be trusted. Trust is the number one thing in a friendship. You've given her your trust and she abused it. Get out while you still have your good reputation and some sanity left.

[Jacene]

Yea...I really do want to cut all ties with her but I mean when we do hang out, we have so much fun, I love it so much, its hard to just go.

[HyfighStereo]

Don't worry, you'll find someone out there that you have even more fun with. First step to that would be get out from under this. Not only will you have more fun, but you'll be able to trust the next person (assuming you don't run into another person like this). It's always going to be hard to break up a friendship. Look at it this way though... How much of a friend could she be if she can't just tell you the truth? How much of a friend could she be if she can't just be herself (whoever that may be, she kind of sounds like a squizo or something) around you? Why would a friend have ANY reason to lie? Even a friend who has lied to you (and most probably have those) SHOULD only have done it to prevent you from being hurt. When someone lies for personal gain (exactly what she has done) they fall under a con-artist. Why would a friend lie to you for personal gain for themselves? Sounds to me like she isn't actually a friend....

[Jacene]

Yea thats true.

Its just all the crap we've been through, like ive said, countless nights I get calls at 12:30am "Can you come over? I really need you right now." I would get up and hop in my truck and head on over, and let her say whatever she wanted until she fell asleep, then I would take her to bed and go home. Then sometimes we would just go out and have fun on Friday nights.

And plus we've told each other "I love you" to each others faces, some people can just say "Hey I love you" and be looking the other way, but we would say it looking at each other, right in the eyes. Thats not something I take lightly.

[Satrah]

Truthfully....ask yourself how much do you really want to be hurt by her? ( I know...not something you want to hear.)

You've really been there for her a bunch of times and truely love her. But, from what I'm reading, she isn't old enough mentally and emotionally to understand the full meaning of love. (Yeah I know...define love..) What you seem to be displaying is one of the rarer definitions of love. "The caring and loving of others, above oneself." She seems to be at the stage of "being in love with the idea of love."

I'm not advising you to stop. I just want to let you have a peek at what I went through caring for the friend I had. Anyways, if I told you to stop I'd probably have you stick your fingers in your ears and go "Lalalala I'm not listening."

Your call of what you want to do. Just understand she's going to wring you out emotionally. She's not done grabbing attention yet. If I were you though, I'd step away and let her grab someone else's attention. Right now it's your emotions that are hurting, later it might be your body hurting from neglect, or your money gone due to how much you invest in her.

I will let you know one thing. One of two of the key things that made me rethink my friendship to Vic, was the fact she really lacked care in the safety of my son (he was 1 and 1/2) when she left razorblades all over her room, one of the times I came to visit. The second thing, the way she spent other people's money...and lied about it. She was trusted with a friend of mines wedding plans and money. She bought cheap and made cheap (Cheap enough that it made me cring when I rebuilt my other friend's wedding dress. There were huge gaps.) She then took the rest of the wedding money and spent it all on herself.

Your call....

[Newless]

[Directed to Jacene's original post]
Actually, with the level of falsehoods that the lass seems to be coming out with, I'd hazard a guess that she's suffering from a mental issue similar to munchausen's syndrome.
I knew a lass like this many years back (she was a great gal, friendly, outgoing, and generally pleasant to be with).
She always seemed to find abusive boyfriends, suffered all kinds of illnesses, even cancer.. The latter being the discovery point, as the doctors and nurses were actually mates of mine, and when I offhandedly asked her about her appointments, I discovered that the specialists she mentioned were not the ones she'd be seeing as that kind of patient.

Rather than walk away, I actually enquired diplomatically to her mum whether she'd always been this way. Apparently, she was supposed to be taking medication for it, but had stopped because she felt fine.
And lo and behold, the syndrome struck full force again.
Back on the meds, she was her usual self, with the exception of all the 'bad things' happening. They just didn't.
Perhaps this lass needs a touch of medication. If she's that bad, she should really talk to someone, else she may screw her life up irretrievably.
And no, I'm not a "take a pill and the world is a good place" kind of guy. Just sometimes, something is broken, and you need a crutch to get you back on your feet. You'd put a cast on your leg if it were broken, and sometimes the right med is that cast for the mind.

All that said, it's up to you where to draw the line. Sometimes, it's not worth the cost to you to fix someone else.
You can't fix everybody. If you try, you'll end up just as broken as the worst of them.
Being a friend isn't always just to be there as support for someone; sometimes it's finding out the other sides of the story to the one they tell you (and there are usually three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth). With an informed view on what's going on, you may sometimes have to give them a good solid metaphorical kick up the behind and make damn sure they do the right thing.

Like Satrah says, your call...

[Jacene]

Well an update here...I think im fine...for now.

Apparently she is doing exactly what she hates, she is ditching her friends for her new bf. She is with him all the time and probably doesn't even think about me at all. Her AIM profile has been switched from the lyrics of a band I introduced her to, to the initials of her boyfriend with a little "<3" instead.

Oh well maybe this is good, but I just don't like the fact that apparently our friendship meant bull#%$@ to her if she can just forget about it like this.

[Korkskrew]

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent of the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying: "You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

It's all bollocks, move on.

[Jacene]

Nice analogy, yea im just gonna forget about it, if she wants to stay friends, fine.

[MIKECLAN]

Ahh... the relationship Kiss of death.. "you're a nice guy, But.."

How many ships of love have sunk on that rocky shore.

[Ssnik]

delete my post plz :/

[Calid]

screw her (literally) and move on bro.

[Jacene]

Yea...I dunno alot of people ive been talking to have said one of two things, 1. That I should move on and get over it or 2. The reason things continue to remind me of her and the reason I keep thinking about her is because I am not supposed to forget her, thats there for preparing me for when something happens in the future. I don't know if this is true but a good friend told me, quote "If someone is in your head and won't go away, they aren't supposed to."

[Da_Dude]

Smart friend you got there. But if it don't stop and still nothing happens after a long long time, then maybe its not it won't go away so much as you won't let it go away. Just somthing to keep in mind. I have had a similar situation and I really really feel for ya man, hold fast and steady as she goes.

[Jacene]

Thanks, good to know someone else has been there. Its just so emotionally draining though heh.