Sharing burdens

[Breandan]

Some of you reading this have been through this with me before, so you know of what I speak first-hand. For the rest who only know me from the forums, some of this may not make sense.

I am a bastard. Not because of my strong opinions, nor because of my borderline mysanthropy, nor because of my contempt for the idiotic. No, those things I actually take a measure of pride in. I am a bastard because I don't give my friends enough credit. Let me explain that a bit...

I hate sharing burdens, emotional burdens, because I do not trust that my friends are strong enough to deal with them, or I don't trust them to be reliable enough to turn to when I am hurting inside over some matter or other. When my ex-wife ran off, I dealt with it alone, and did not turn to any of my friends for help because I didn't see the point of dumping my problems in their laps, and figured that they wouldn't know what to do, or would not want to deal with it at all. They are my friends, and with me, friend has much more meaning than it does with most, and I should bloody well respect them enough to trust that they will be there for me.

Some of my friends have their own problems, and I do not want to burden them further with my own, and others I feel would be too incapable of dealing with the matters because they live in a happy world of lightheartedness and chipper-chipper joy and butterflies and such dark and heavy matters as the kind that actually burden me emotionally (trust me, it takes something pretty damned heavy duty to bother me) would be so alien to them, so impossible for them to accept, that they would squeak out an "eep!" and metaphorically run for the safety of mamma's skirts. The problem is, such opinions are, in a word, bull$#*^.

Not one single person that I have as a true friend would break under these burdens, and some, while they may seem to be off in happy la-la land, have been through a lot and are tougher and more stern when necessary than I credit them. Realizing this is half of my sin, so to speak, as it means I am not ignorant of the reality, yet still find myself saddled with the programming born of experience elsewhere.

You see, the reason I have these difficulties is not because I don't respect or like my friends, but because I have been let down and betrayed so many times by so many people that it is starting to become a career. Coming from a culture based in ethics and a self-discipline-oriented honour leaves one woefully idealistic and incapable of pre-emptively understanding the vicious backstabbing nature of so many people. This naivete turns to cynicism after one has been screwed over enough times, so much so that one no longer even trusts their friends and loved ones. My own people I trust, they are in the same boat I am, and come from the same background, but my non-Gaelic friends are another matter. This is not fair to them, and regardless of how understandable and well-earned my cynicism is, it still should not cause me to lack trust that they will be there for me if I need their help.

I have no idea what the point of all of this was except to bear a bit of my closely-guarded soul, and in the telling perhaps find absolution within myself for this misdeed. If nothing else, I hope others learn from my mistake and remember not to shut their friends out, and to guard against becoming too cynical that you feel you must stand alone. Friends are there for you, if true friends they be, and they know how wide their shoulders are and if there is any room there to help share your burdens. Respect that.

[Ammo0]

Well Breandan I know where you are coming from with this, because I have sliped passed not trusting friends into the black mire of not being able to make friends. This is due to similar reasons you have stated. Althogh there are still people out there that I would consider a friend if I saw them today, but I havent spoken with them since I graduted Highschool five years ago. Any way this is your thread, Ill start my own when Im ready. My advice is to not slip down to where I am, its very lonely here.

[bob the goat]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I tend to not share problems with others as much as possible. I usually don’t ask for advice for two reasons.

First, most people are incapable of looking at something from someone else’s perspective, so their advice would be skewed because it would be advice as to what they would do in that situation, not what they would do in MY situation.

Second, most people are idiots. People that get into the express line with 30 items, and then stand there idly waiting until the cashier is completely done, before reaching for their wallet, then realize that they only have $4, so they decide to write a check, but they don’t have a pen…... People that leave an empty roll of toilet paper. People that leave a voice mail for someone that they talk to once a year, and in .034 seconds say “hey, call me”. People that need instructions on shampoo, or a warning label that says “for external use only”. There is no way that I am going take advice from the algae in the gene pool of life.

(Warning, the description that follows will put a rated R movie image into your mind, there is a bit of blood involved)

You mentioned how other peoples life is all butterflies and gum drop rainbows, but that’s not usually the case. I noticed that one day when walking (because my car was broken down) about a mile and a half to the Med station on campus with a exceptionally deep cut on my left hand (hazards of cooking). I was bleeding profusely. I had a recent ankle injury, so I couldn’t walk very fast, and had a bit of a limp. I cut my finger because I was not paying attention to what I was doing (always a bad idea with a miracle blade). I was not paying attention because I was thinking about my ex that dumped me two days before. Anyways, about a block from the Med station I saw a friend walking the other way. He asked “how’s it going?” (Obviously he didn’t see me wring the blood out of the dish towel so it would stop dripping.) Without hesitation I said “Fine, how are you doing?” He said “Great”. We walked past each other and went our separate ways.

I think that it is human nature to hide the bad parts of our life from those around us. I think that is a matter of pride, concealing what is wrong, helps us to appear more perfect.

Just my $0.02

[Soria]

:: pat Breandan on the back::

[Kaylen]

I haven't shared any personal problems with anyone (except my girlfriend) in years. Usually most people don't know what to say when I bring up bad things like that, so I don't see any point.

The last person I trusted would immediately relay everything I said to his friends, for lack of conversation topics I suppose. Nothing stings quite like someone you barely know bringing up bad memories solely in an effort to incite some emotion or another in you. I've had a long history with this sort of thing and it's only been recently that I've given up on people having a sense of decency.

Nowadays I don't speak anything I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing. People who have proven trustworthy are unfortunate enough to get more than that, but never any burdens.

[Ciarin]

Well most of my friends are flakes and are wrapped up in themselves too much to be of any help anyway.

But my net buddies sure are reliable!

[Dilorenzo]

Seems like there's more than one person in the same boat as you Brean, and I'm one of them myself. Take even the relationship between me and my fiancee - and it's something she's commented on more than once - I always help her with any problems, but I'm not exactly willing to let anyone in and let them help me with mine. Most times, as everyone knows, it's not even help you need with problems, it's just to talk about them- I find it difficult to even do that.
It's getting easier, thanks to having one person I can completely and utterly trust, but it's a hard slog to break old, and bad, habits.

[Elenial]

Breandan I once heard a saying, "When you help others carry their burdens it will lighten yours".

I find this to be true. Two days ago my best friend's father passed away. Two weeks ago my father passed away. I for the most part have been having one big pity party for me and feeling all down in the dumps. My friend called me from the hospital last Thursday, said that she needed me to just come sit with her for a while. Helping her work through this time has also helped me work through some things I have kept bottled up sinde my dad became sick last year. It is almost therapy for me. I am the type who wants to fix everything for everyone and I do not ever ask the same in return.

I guess it was because I was raised to be strong and I go around with the stupid notion in my head that I have to be strong at all times no matter what. But honestly nothing is better for the soul than breaking down and crying with a good friend. Its very cleansing.

I guess my advice is to let the wall down once in a while clear out the baggage and breathe deep the fresh air. :)

[Fyrie]

You see, the reason I have these difficulties is not because I don't respect or like my friends, but because I have been let down and betrayed so many times by so many people that it is starting to become a career.

People ask why I am difficult to get close to, I've given up on friends, and I'm learning that family isn't always much better in how they behave. I'm stubborn though and I won't be that way, I keep working on the family even though I gave up on friends long ago.

[Puckster]

I'm lucky I guess. I have a few friends and now a soul mate whom, if need be, I can share ANYTHING with. The thing is, I usually don't. When I have issues that would make me feel better if I talked about them, I usually don't.
The reason is, is I'm the guy that everyone can trust and tell all their problems to. Even people whom I don't know that well will open up and tell me things I probably don't need to know. People just find me very easy to talk to. People also know that whatever they tell me, it's staying with me. I'm a firm believer that personal business is personal business.
Well, with all that I've heard from people over the years, my problems seem so trivial. Especially from the friends that I have that I trust. They've been through so much that I'm almost ashamed to tell them about some of the crap I have to deal with. I guess I'll just stay as everyone's emotional sponge for the time being.

[Satrah]

I have one close enough friend that over eleven years we've seen our small moments of hell and held each other's hand (sort of to speak) and we've seen each other's joys. We barely burden people with what really goes through our minds.

What at times you see here is mostly light and fluffyness. Or some cases the best sound advice that I am able to give. (Or in rarer cases drugged sick person with warped humor on the runaway mode.)

As you have said. there are heavy enough dark enough thoughts that pass between this friend and I that would make many a person go "Eep" and hide. (Even make some men run.)

We do our best to keep most from know those types of thoughts. We even do better by trying to keep things fairly light. But, peeking into that darkness....yeesh.

At times though she knows that if something truely bothers me that I go to the darkest person I know of. My father...he is about as serious as you Breandan. But age to about 54....and add extra responsabilities of being fire captain, investigator, hazard materials specialist, teacher of basic fire science, and still being a student himself.

On the few occasions I talk to him about something as dark and gloomy as his and my last talk, he knows it's because my mind has wrapped around the problem, and I know he may or may not have an idea of what the solution is...and if there is a solution. He also knows that all I am doing is double checking, and that the information he gives me is going to get passed on...whether it is good..or bad. He also knows I won't sugar coat it.

The rest of the time thoughts that are dark don't happen right now...They just happen when least expected. (or even wanted.)