Job Application

[bob the goat]

My Roomate was applying for a couple of jobs. He was smart and took 2 blank applications (incase he messed one up). This was how I filled out one of the blanks that he didn't use.


NAME:
-Bob *The Goat*

SEX:
-Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
-Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY:
-$350,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
-Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
-Outlet for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
-A heluva-lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
-My vast collection of stolen office supplies. (see previous question)

REASON FOR LEAVING:
-It was really awkward there…especially after being fired for stealing office supplies.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
-Any time the bar is not open.

PREFERRED HOURS:
-12:30-2:00 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
-Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
-If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs?:
-Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
-I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. (PS, If they should contact me about actually being the winner, please disregard this application)

DO YOU SMOKE?:
-On the job - no! After deploying my “Special Skills” - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy, flexible, blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since anorexia.
-Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....
-4.2 miles from home, about 7 from here.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
-Oh yes, absolutely.

[Swarfy]

My brother actaully filled one out like that and turned it in.... he never did get a call from them.... wonder why... :twisted:

[Lirren]

Hahahahaha. That's amusing. I love the "nearest relative" one.

[Breandan]

the funny thing is, if I got an app like this, I would actually call the person in for an interview because that sort of humour and independent thinking are often possessed by some of the best damn workers out there... or the worst, either way, still need to find out in person :D

[Strikesfirmly]

heh, good one Bob. But you forgot my (/insert heavy sarcasm) personal favorites;

List up to three references. Do not include relatives or co-workers.
Wow, you already want to talk to my previous boss(es). Think they'll lie do you? Not sure I should just hand out other persons' names and addresses where anyone can see them. Especially my bookie.


This is always a fun one for me to answer. I don't frequent bars, bingo, or bowling and my friends are gone along with anyone else I grew up with. Maybe I should just randomly troll through the phone book. One stranger is as good as another? Wonder if cashiers and tellers count as references?


And of course
"Indicate race, but your choice will not necessarily prevent you from being hired."
Then why ask?


I really loathe "special skills" and "true and complete" questions on apps. The one encourages creative lying while the other gives you guilt pangs over the questions you had to lie about to try and get the job.

I think next time I get an app I will fill it out a la Bob. What can they do, not hire me more?

[Coffee]

I've actually done something similar to that, though it was a bit lower key.(I'm a baritone...can't help it)

[Whytewulf]

I have a resume with similar attributes. I guess some people have humor, some don't.