Dilorenzo
03-06-2006, 12:45 PM
Ok... so, I watched this... this thing. I promised myself you would, you see, as well as watching his other films. This way, when I meet Uwe Boll, I will have no compunction about kicking his ass. He now OWES me that, you see. I've sat through two of his films. I didn't turn them off. And oh my god, am I gonna be paying for it.
This film was just... bad. Actually, there should be a new word to describe this film. One which doesn't actually require me to sit here typing out poorly written, poorly shot, poorly directed, poorly acted, poorly catered. Ok, so I'm not sure about that last, but it's a possibility. Bollitis, maybe? Bollism? Ok, yes, this movie is a Bollism. This word now covers every single facet of suck in the world. You trod in dog leavings? Bollism! Your car died and you don't have the money to repair it? Bollism! You sat through any film he 'directed'? Bollism!
Now that we've gotten my spewed vitriol out of the way, let's get to the review. Which will be, esentially, a retread of my House of the Dead review, for one simple reason. He tried all the same tricks again, and failed with them, failed horribly. The stylized action sequence in House of the Dead is here again, with some changes. It doesn't work any better this time around. Trying to get us to care about characters we hadn't met until 5 minutes before they shuffle off this mortal coil? Again, here, and again, not working.
Boll recently said in an interview that since the game isn't a work of art with it's storyline in the first place, you can't expect a work of art in the film. Which would be fair enough if anything remotely recognisable from the games was in the films. You've got Carnby and Cedrac, names from the film. The creatures look somewhat similar to the games. This, my friends, is where similarities end.
The games were fun, if not perfect. They had moments which'd make you jump. You cared, at least a little, for the protagonist.
It's hard to care about someone who's so obviously just here for the paycheck. Slater has a couple of good moments, but those are mostly marred by thinking how much like Jack Nicholson he looks like sometimes. Dorff too has maybe one or two well delivered lines- again though, this is more a day at the office for him than, say, SFW. And as for Reid... no, I'm just not going to go near her performance. Or ANY performance she does. Just.... gah, I need to scrub my brain.
I could mention other characters, or a plot, but I'm not sure if either thing existed. Just... for the love of all that is good and holy, don't go and see this film. It's not even a film, it's a very long and very bad commercial for an obscure product that doesn't even exist. I know that doesn't make much sense, but everything about my brain is squeaking right now.
-5/5
Next up, Bloodrayne. Oh god. I'm a Masochist.
This film was just... bad. Actually, there should be a new word to describe this film. One which doesn't actually require me to sit here typing out poorly written, poorly shot, poorly directed, poorly acted, poorly catered. Ok, so I'm not sure about that last, but it's a possibility. Bollitis, maybe? Bollism? Ok, yes, this movie is a Bollism. This word now covers every single facet of suck in the world. You trod in dog leavings? Bollism! Your car died and you don't have the money to repair it? Bollism! You sat through any film he 'directed'? Bollism!
Now that we've gotten my spewed vitriol out of the way, let's get to the review. Which will be, esentially, a retread of my House of the Dead review, for one simple reason. He tried all the same tricks again, and failed with them, failed horribly. The stylized action sequence in House of the Dead is here again, with some changes. It doesn't work any better this time around. Trying to get us to care about characters we hadn't met until 5 minutes before they shuffle off this mortal coil? Again, here, and again, not working.
Boll recently said in an interview that since the game isn't a work of art with it's storyline in the first place, you can't expect a work of art in the film. Which would be fair enough if anything remotely recognisable from the games was in the films. You've got Carnby and Cedrac, names from the film. The creatures look somewhat similar to the games. This, my friends, is where similarities end.
The games were fun, if not perfect. They had moments which'd make you jump. You cared, at least a little, for the protagonist.
It's hard to care about someone who's so obviously just here for the paycheck. Slater has a couple of good moments, but those are mostly marred by thinking how much like Jack Nicholson he looks like sometimes. Dorff too has maybe one or two well delivered lines- again though, this is more a day at the office for him than, say, SFW. And as for Reid... no, I'm just not going to go near her performance. Or ANY performance she does. Just.... gah, I need to scrub my brain.
I could mention other characters, or a plot, but I'm not sure if either thing existed. Just... for the love of all that is good and holy, don't go and see this film. It's not even a film, it's a very long and very bad commercial for an obscure product that doesn't even exist. I know that doesn't make much sense, but everything about my brain is squeaking right now.
-5/5
Next up, Bloodrayne. Oh god. I'm a Masochist.