Dyhalto
03-27-2006, 12:57 PM
Before story notes:
I wrote this as an essay/story for a competition. I've got through past the preliminary rounds, so, yeah. Now I'm bored, so I thought I'd give it to you here. Any and all Feedback is appreciated (obviously excluding, "It was long I didn't read it." because that's just annoying).
Ok, Story.
Boyfriend in a Coma
I squeezed through the train doors and stepped down onto the platform. Damn, I was late. I took off down the stairs, five at a time, and pounded across the concrete to the exit gates. Waving my pass over the scanner, I started forward. The gates stopped me.
Come on! I willed them. Seconds passed. Finally they creaked open. I leapt through and sprinted down the road. The intersection. King Street. I didn’t have time for the crossing.
Glancing to the right, then down at my watch, I ran across.
I only have a minute!
I wish I’d been paying more attention. Speeding from my left, a black cab. I didn’t have time to move anywhere.
Bloody hell. I think I left my bag on the train. It’s strange what you think when you’re about to be hit by a car.
I don’t remember much after that. Some yelling, flashing lights Someone putting me into... A van?
*
Then I woke up. I was lying in a single bed. No pain, great, but how long had I been out? More to the point? Where was I? This didn’t look like a hospital, or my house. I wondered where Mum was. What about Sara, my girlfriend? They must’ve been worried.
Were they even told?
*
Sara was crying. Sat holding the hand of Annie, Zel’s mother, next to a bed. A bed with her boyfriend on it. A boyfriend in a coma.
Steady beeps from the machines. Maybe he’d be all right.
*
What was that? I’d just heard something. Beeping? Sobbing? Maybe this was a hospital after all. I’d go have a look. I got up and walked around.
Well that’s odd. No hospital clothes. A white, long sleeved T-shirt and a pair of jeans. I don’t think I’d been wearing trainers while I was in the bed, either.
A knock. OK, I’d go answer it. Maybe the person could help me. I opened the door. The front door. A path with grass and a little post box on to the street. Quaint.
“Hey, Mike!” said a man standing in the doorway.
Mike? I’m Zel! “Uh... Hi.”
“Can I borrow some sugar?”
“Sugar?” I looked behind me. A kitchen. Wasn’t I just in a bedroom? “You can get it yourself, I’m just going out.”
“Cheers, Mike!”
I headed out of the doorway and onto the street. Well, It looks like the country.
I walked off down the country lane.
*
“This is amazing!” The voice came from the doctor.
“Amazing?” Sara and Annie looked up.
“Yes... I’m sorry to say, his physical condition is getting worse, but this brain activity, It’s off the scale!”
The heart monitor beeped. “Beep, Beep, Be-
*
-ep!” Another machine? What was this? Still a hospital?
“No Mike, this is a butcher’s.” Said a burly man behind me.
Did I just say that out loud?
The butcher laughed, then sarcastically, “No mate, you’re dreaming.” He plonked a piece of meat down onto a set of scales. “Beep!”
“Ding!” A bell on the door sounded, as a slim blonde woman stepped into the shop. “Oh, Hi Mike! How’s Michelle?”
What? “Michelle?”
“Yeah. Michelle, your wife.”
Wife? I thought quickly. I’d probably have to lie to get out of this. “Oh, she’s fine.”
“And the kids?”
Mike has kids too? What are they called?
“Dan and Ben?”
Right. “They’re great. Thanks.”
“Are you all right, Mike? You seem a little off today.”
“I’ll be fine... I... Uh... I should get going though.”
“Ding!” The door again. I had left.
*
“Oh, Zel. Why’d you have to get hit by that car, eh? I mean, tomorrow’s our anniversary, and you had to get put in a coma? Dammit, Wake up!” Sara yelled, tears streaming from her eyes.
Annie looked at her and squeezed her hand. “It’ll be fine.”
*
I heard some laughter. Lots of laughter, and running feet. A school playground? I looked around. There, just down the road, there was a school, though it was different from what I was used to. Strange architecture. It looked like a bunch of domes stuck together. I walked up to the gates.
Screeching sounds behind me. I looked back. A couple of cars had crashed. A small boy walked up to me. “Hey mister, you think they’ll be ok?”
“Sure, kid. Sure.”
A couple of men got out of the cars and walked away. The young man- Where did the kid go? This guy is in his twenties! I looked around. Nothing. The cars were still there, but they looked different. Rusty.
“Well, nice to meet you, but I’ve got to go to work,” said the man, who turned and walked back in the direction of the school. I turned to look.
Offices?
An old man walked out of the building. “Hurrah!” he croaked. “My first day of retirement!” He saw me. “Do I know you?”
“I don’t think so...” Was this the same guy who just went in for work? I looked for the cars. Scrap metal lay on the road.
“I’m sure I do.” The old man looked my up and down and walked around me. Suddenly, there were four of him stood around me. “Yes,” they said in unison. “We saw someone just like you the day we went to work, and before that, when those cars crashed.” I looked. The cars were back. “Fine day, that. Yes.”
It is the same guy! Years were passing in seconds, and why were there four of this old man? What was going on? I closed my eyes and screamed.
Make it go away!
I think I passed out.
*
Annie surveyed her son’s face. He was a handsome boy, that was for sure. He was well toned, with quite a square jaw. When his eyes were open they were bright grey and full of life. He hadn’t got any blemishes, and his hair hung down in three long pony tails. One in front of each shoulder, and one down his back, fastened at the ends. He looked pale now though. Like he almost wasn’t there.
Zel was only 15. It wasn’t time for him to go, and this whole coma thing was ruining him. His body was dying, no matter what the doctors said about his mind. He was on full life support now, and it didn’t look good. They had said, if the condition didn’t improve in the next week, they’d have to shut off the machines.
Sara and Annie had been visiting at every opportunity, sometimes sitting and crying together, talking about Zel, or just about life.
A tear rolled down Annie’s cheek. She sniffed and wiped it away with a tissue. Sara squeezed her hand. It was hard for everyone.
“News,” said the doctor. “His brain activity is down.”
It stayed that way for six days. Zel in a coma, with no good signs. The deadline was approaching.
*
I woke up lying under a tree by a lake. Soft music was playing somewhere, though I couldn’t find the source. It sounded like flute, but there might have been a piano and a violin there too.
I smiled. It was nice here. It was warm and sunny, but under this tree, I felt I could sit there for days. For ever.
Laughing, I took off some clothes. Swimming might be fun.
I dipped a toe into the water. Despite the heat of the day, the water was like ice. Hating myself for doing it, jumped in, lapped around the lake twice, and got out again. I was freezing.
Somewhere in the background, the music lost its melody and became a steady hum. Like a machine in a hospital.
*
“I’m sorry Mrs. Jones. It’s all we can do. His body is practically dead. He’s only alive because of the life support. There’s no chance of recovery.” The doctor looked sad, but was firm. He’d been through this before.
“What about his brain activity? Wasn’t that off the scale?” Annie was nearly hysterical. “It’s my son’s life we’re talking about!”
“It was off the scale, yes, but it seems even that has gone. Think of it as if... his mind’s gone somewhere else.”
There was no more sound from Annie. She looked down, clenching her hands into tight fists.
Sara cried when she heard. She cried and cried and cried.
And then she said goodbye. They both did.
“Do you want to do it?” asked the doctor.
Annie and Sara shook their heads.
The doctor leant down and hit a switch.
The heart monitor beeped. “Beep! Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeee-“
Silence.
*
The hum of the music died down. It was nice not having that noise. I felt freer. The sun beat against my face, drying my body.
I smiled. It was nice here.
I wrote this as an essay/story for a competition. I've got through past the preliminary rounds, so, yeah. Now I'm bored, so I thought I'd give it to you here. Any and all Feedback is appreciated (obviously excluding, "It was long I didn't read it." because that's just annoying).
Ok, Story.
Boyfriend in a Coma
I squeezed through the train doors and stepped down onto the platform. Damn, I was late. I took off down the stairs, five at a time, and pounded across the concrete to the exit gates. Waving my pass over the scanner, I started forward. The gates stopped me.
Come on! I willed them. Seconds passed. Finally they creaked open. I leapt through and sprinted down the road. The intersection. King Street. I didn’t have time for the crossing.
Glancing to the right, then down at my watch, I ran across.
I only have a minute!
I wish I’d been paying more attention. Speeding from my left, a black cab. I didn’t have time to move anywhere.
Bloody hell. I think I left my bag on the train. It’s strange what you think when you’re about to be hit by a car.
I don’t remember much after that. Some yelling, flashing lights Someone putting me into... A van?
*
Then I woke up. I was lying in a single bed. No pain, great, but how long had I been out? More to the point? Where was I? This didn’t look like a hospital, or my house. I wondered where Mum was. What about Sara, my girlfriend? They must’ve been worried.
Were they even told?
*
Sara was crying. Sat holding the hand of Annie, Zel’s mother, next to a bed. A bed with her boyfriend on it. A boyfriend in a coma.
Steady beeps from the machines. Maybe he’d be all right.
*
What was that? I’d just heard something. Beeping? Sobbing? Maybe this was a hospital after all. I’d go have a look. I got up and walked around.
Well that’s odd. No hospital clothes. A white, long sleeved T-shirt and a pair of jeans. I don’t think I’d been wearing trainers while I was in the bed, either.
A knock. OK, I’d go answer it. Maybe the person could help me. I opened the door. The front door. A path with grass and a little post box on to the street. Quaint.
“Hey, Mike!” said a man standing in the doorway.
Mike? I’m Zel! “Uh... Hi.”
“Can I borrow some sugar?”
“Sugar?” I looked behind me. A kitchen. Wasn’t I just in a bedroom? “You can get it yourself, I’m just going out.”
“Cheers, Mike!”
I headed out of the doorway and onto the street. Well, It looks like the country.
I walked off down the country lane.
*
“This is amazing!” The voice came from the doctor.
“Amazing?” Sara and Annie looked up.
“Yes... I’m sorry to say, his physical condition is getting worse, but this brain activity, It’s off the scale!”
The heart monitor beeped. “Beep, Beep, Be-
*
-ep!” Another machine? What was this? Still a hospital?
“No Mike, this is a butcher’s.” Said a burly man behind me.
Did I just say that out loud?
The butcher laughed, then sarcastically, “No mate, you’re dreaming.” He plonked a piece of meat down onto a set of scales. “Beep!”
“Ding!” A bell on the door sounded, as a slim blonde woman stepped into the shop. “Oh, Hi Mike! How’s Michelle?”
What? “Michelle?”
“Yeah. Michelle, your wife.”
Wife? I thought quickly. I’d probably have to lie to get out of this. “Oh, she’s fine.”
“And the kids?”
Mike has kids too? What are they called?
“Dan and Ben?”
Right. “They’re great. Thanks.”
“Are you all right, Mike? You seem a little off today.”
“I’ll be fine... I... Uh... I should get going though.”
“Ding!” The door again. I had left.
*
“Oh, Zel. Why’d you have to get hit by that car, eh? I mean, tomorrow’s our anniversary, and you had to get put in a coma? Dammit, Wake up!” Sara yelled, tears streaming from her eyes.
Annie looked at her and squeezed her hand. “It’ll be fine.”
*
I heard some laughter. Lots of laughter, and running feet. A school playground? I looked around. There, just down the road, there was a school, though it was different from what I was used to. Strange architecture. It looked like a bunch of domes stuck together. I walked up to the gates.
Screeching sounds behind me. I looked back. A couple of cars had crashed. A small boy walked up to me. “Hey mister, you think they’ll be ok?”
“Sure, kid. Sure.”
A couple of men got out of the cars and walked away. The young man- Where did the kid go? This guy is in his twenties! I looked around. Nothing. The cars were still there, but they looked different. Rusty.
“Well, nice to meet you, but I’ve got to go to work,” said the man, who turned and walked back in the direction of the school. I turned to look.
Offices?
An old man walked out of the building. “Hurrah!” he croaked. “My first day of retirement!” He saw me. “Do I know you?”
“I don’t think so...” Was this the same guy who just went in for work? I looked for the cars. Scrap metal lay on the road.
“I’m sure I do.” The old man looked my up and down and walked around me. Suddenly, there were four of him stood around me. “Yes,” they said in unison. “We saw someone just like you the day we went to work, and before that, when those cars crashed.” I looked. The cars were back. “Fine day, that. Yes.”
It is the same guy! Years were passing in seconds, and why were there four of this old man? What was going on? I closed my eyes and screamed.
Make it go away!
I think I passed out.
*
Annie surveyed her son’s face. He was a handsome boy, that was for sure. He was well toned, with quite a square jaw. When his eyes were open they were bright grey and full of life. He hadn’t got any blemishes, and his hair hung down in three long pony tails. One in front of each shoulder, and one down his back, fastened at the ends. He looked pale now though. Like he almost wasn’t there.
Zel was only 15. It wasn’t time for him to go, and this whole coma thing was ruining him. His body was dying, no matter what the doctors said about his mind. He was on full life support now, and it didn’t look good. They had said, if the condition didn’t improve in the next week, they’d have to shut off the machines.
Sara and Annie had been visiting at every opportunity, sometimes sitting and crying together, talking about Zel, or just about life.
A tear rolled down Annie’s cheek. She sniffed and wiped it away with a tissue. Sara squeezed her hand. It was hard for everyone.
“News,” said the doctor. “His brain activity is down.”
It stayed that way for six days. Zel in a coma, with no good signs. The deadline was approaching.
*
I woke up lying under a tree by a lake. Soft music was playing somewhere, though I couldn’t find the source. It sounded like flute, but there might have been a piano and a violin there too.
I smiled. It was nice here. It was warm and sunny, but under this tree, I felt I could sit there for days. For ever.
Laughing, I took off some clothes. Swimming might be fun.
I dipped a toe into the water. Despite the heat of the day, the water was like ice. Hating myself for doing it, jumped in, lapped around the lake twice, and got out again. I was freezing.
Somewhere in the background, the music lost its melody and became a steady hum. Like a machine in a hospital.
*
“I’m sorry Mrs. Jones. It’s all we can do. His body is practically dead. He’s only alive because of the life support. There’s no chance of recovery.” The doctor looked sad, but was firm. He’d been through this before.
“What about his brain activity? Wasn’t that off the scale?” Annie was nearly hysterical. “It’s my son’s life we’re talking about!”
“It was off the scale, yes, but it seems even that has gone. Think of it as if... his mind’s gone somewhere else.”
There was no more sound from Annie. She looked down, clenching her hands into tight fists.
Sara cried when she heard. She cried and cried and cried.
And then she said goodbye. They both did.
“Do you want to do it?” asked the doctor.
Annie and Sara shook their heads.
The doctor leant down and hit a switch.
The heart monitor beeped. “Beep! Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeee-“
Silence.
*
The hum of the music died down. It was nice not having that noise. I felt freer. The sun beat against my face, drying my body.
I smiled. It was nice here.