Rookie
10-02-2006, 10:16 PM
I am in a creative writing class and we were challenged to write a story using a certain perspective. Its supposed to be a secret at what the character actually is, dropping subtle clues as it goes. So I figured I'd post mine here and see what you guys thought. Input is welcome. it's pretty short, but here it is. I may post more as they come along.
They marched along single-file, crawling through the bushes as they neared the fortress wall. Stealth was a key factor now that they were deep in enemy territory. The column moved through the early morning light as it dried the dew from the grass. Birds were just beginning to awake and the white wall loomed in the distance.
Spartacus crept along following his commanding officer. They had traveled all night and he was tired of all the walking. But when an order was given from the Queen herself, it could not be refused. The enemy had been raiding their outposts and villages for months now and now they had had enough. Various scout missions had revealed the location of their fortress less than a night’s hard march away.
That long march had led them to this point now. Spartacus moved his arms to ease the tension in them. Like the other warriors in his group, he needed no weapons, their bodies were weapons. In their society, they were trained since youth as warriors, almost ninjas in skill level.
Spartacus stopped as they came to a small worn path in the grass.
“They’re close.” The C.O. whispered to the small group gathered around him, “Fresh tracks, let’s spread out.” He then made hand signals and they dispersed to hide and continue on. The battalion had spread itself out and began moving forward slowly. Then a rustling ahead of them made them freeze.
Spartacus looked to the officer who was flashing signals to a group of warriors on his other side. Spartacus chanced a glance as he poked his head up. An enemy patrol in their reddish armor scanned the area, having also heard an unnatural noise. Then suddenly from above, a group of Spartacus’s comrades dropped from above, using tree branches to gain altitude then screaming down on their foes. In a flurry of violence, the enemy patrol was dispatched. The attack group motioned the others to continue along their original course and order was resumed.
After a short walk they came to the edge of the hedges that surrounded the fortress walls. Spartacus and his elite group were brought together by the C.O.
“Alright, you’re going move along the wall here. Scouts say that there are guards posted outside the gate here,” the C.O. sketched out a map of the area, “You’ll take them out and wait for us. We’ll tear storm the keep in no time. Get crackin’.”
With a quick salute they edged their way along the wall. The sun was now so high that the dew had dried and their time was growing shorter. The hedges surrounding the wall gave way to the entrance. They stopped to survey the sentries. The bright red and black of the enemy officers stood out easily from the lighter red of the grunt soldiers.
Spartacus, clad in black, stuck to the shadows as they spread out around the entrance. A brief click and they sprang into the clearing. Spartacus grabbed an enemy soldier, threw him to the ground and spun his head around so quickly it came off. He whipped around to find another foe. He lunged at Spartacus who stepped aside quickly and the enemy ran head-long into a wall.
After making sure the guards were thoroughly dead, they signaled to the main body. They would only have a few seconds once they broke into the fortress to gain an advantage. Surprise was crucial. A section of the battalion showed up, the other parts would be at the other gaping entrances. With a brief signal they stormed the keep. All hell broke loose within the fortress walls. Spartacus was confronted by a larger red-clad opponent as soon as he stepped through the gate.
Spartacus managed to get a leg in a good enough position to kick his opponent off of him. A fellow warrior leaped upon the foe and mauled him into submission.
The shrieks of the wounded and dying filled the fortress as the black clad warriors stormed the keep. Confusion was everywhere; bodies of both sides fell to the ground in a massive orgy of violence. Spartacus leaped on a fallen foe as he struggled to his feet. Spartacus’s comrade waved thanks and then was engaged by another opponent. Chaos reigned in confined places, but no ground was being gained by the attackers.
“Fall back! Fall back! Yarrgh!!” an officer yelled as he was beset by a group of enemy soldiers, pummeling him. The cry for retreat was echoed through the walls and Spartacus reluctantly retreated.
They fled through the entrance and moved away from the enemies. Spartacus saw comrades with missing limbs making their way as best they could from the fortress. Then suddenly there was a rumbling noise. It stopped and then a pop and a quick clapping noise. The ground shook and then stopped, and shook again and again.
They stood in fear of what was happening. What new devilry was now befalling them? Suddenly a loud hissing noise came and they ran for their lives. Screams came from the enemy fortress which caused them to stop and turn around. A clear mist sprayed over the enemy fortress and they came stumbling out, choking and dying as they fell near the entrance. The enemy was defeated?
“Ummm, savor the victory lads. If anyone asks, we beat the snot out of them ourselves.” The C.O. said almost embarrassed.
Somewhat confused, Spartacus got back in line with his remaining comrades and they began a quick march back towards home.
* * * * * *
The exterminator stopped his lethal spray and surveyed the area. His white van parked near the curb, the hedge near the wall, and a couple of tree branches over a bare patch of grass. A small ant trail wound its way through the yard. The red ants that had taken up residence in a hole in the house stumbled out and fell before they got very far.
Off in a field not too far away was a large ant mound, but he was only here to take care of the ant infestation in the house. The owner had said nothing about the giant ant nest in the field. Better off that way, he figured, he didn’t want to work any harder than he had to.
“Friggen ants,” he grumbled as he continued spraying the edge of the house.
They marched along single-file, crawling through the bushes as they neared the fortress wall. Stealth was a key factor now that they were deep in enemy territory. The column moved through the early morning light as it dried the dew from the grass. Birds were just beginning to awake and the white wall loomed in the distance.
Spartacus crept along following his commanding officer. They had traveled all night and he was tired of all the walking. But when an order was given from the Queen herself, it could not be refused. The enemy had been raiding their outposts and villages for months now and now they had had enough. Various scout missions had revealed the location of their fortress less than a night’s hard march away.
That long march had led them to this point now. Spartacus moved his arms to ease the tension in them. Like the other warriors in his group, he needed no weapons, their bodies were weapons. In their society, they were trained since youth as warriors, almost ninjas in skill level.
Spartacus stopped as they came to a small worn path in the grass.
“They’re close.” The C.O. whispered to the small group gathered around him, “Fresh tracks, let’s spread out.” He then made hand signals and they dispersed to hide and continue on. The battalion had spread itself out and began moving forward slowly. Then a rustling ahead of them made them freeze.
Spartacus looked to the officer who was flashing signals to a group of warriors on his other side. Spartacus chanced a glance as he poked his head up. An enemy patrol in their reddish armor scanned the area, having also heard an unnatural noise. Then suddenly from above, a group of Spartacus’s comrades dropped from above, using tree branches to gain altitude then screaming down on their foes. In a flurry of violence, the enemy patrol was dispatched. The attack group motioned the others to continue along their original course and order was resumed.
After a short walk they came to the edge of the hedges that surrounded the fortress walls. Spartacus and his elite group were brought together by the C.O.
“Alright, you’re going move along the wall here. Scouts say that there are guards posted outside the gate here,” the C.O. sketched out a map of the area, “You’ll take them out and wait for us. We’ll tear storm the keep in no time. Get crackin’.”
With a quick salute they edged their way along the wall. The sun was now so high that the dew had dried and their time was growing shorter. The hedges surrounding the wall gave way to the entrance. They stopped to survey the sentries. The bright red and black of the enemy officers stood out easily from the lighter red of the grunt soldiers.
Spartacus, clad in black, stuck to the shadows as they spread out around the entrance. A brief click and they sprang into the clearing. Spartacus grabbed an enemy soldier, threw him to the ground and spun his head around so quickly it came off. He whipped around to find another foe. He lunged at Spartacus who stepped aside quickly and the enemy ran head-long into a wall.
After making sure the guards were thoroughly dead, they signaled to the main body. They would only have a few seconds once they broke into the fortress to gain an advantage. Surprise was crucial. A section of the battalion showed up, the other parts would be at the other gaping entrances. With a brief signal they stormed the keep. All hell broke loose within the fortress walls. Spartacus was confronted by a larger red-clad opponent as soon as he stepped through the gate.
Spartacus managed to get a leg in a good enough position to kick his opponent off of him. A fellow warrior leaped upon the foe and mauled him into submission.
The shrieks of the wounded and dying filled the fortress as the black clad warriors stormed the keep. Confusion was everywhere; bodies of both sides fell to the ground in a massive orgy of violence. Spartacus leaped on a fallen foe as he struggled to his feet. Spartacus’s comrade waved thanks and then was engaged by another opponent. Chaos reigned in confined places, but no ground was being gained by the attackers.
“Fall back! Fall back! Yarrgh!!” an officer yelled as he was beset by a group of enemy soldiers, pummeling him. The cry for retreat was echoed through the walls and Spartacus reluctantly retreated.
They fled through the entrance and moved away from the enemies. Spartacus saw comrades with missing limbs making their way as best they could from the fortress. Then suddenly there was a rumbling noise. It stopped and then a pop and a quick clapping noise. The ground shook and then stopped, and shook again and again.
They stood in fear of what was happening. What new devilry was now befalling them? Suddenly a loud hissing noise came and they ran for their lives. Screams came from the enemy fortress which caused them to stop and turn around. A clear mist sprayed over the enemy fortress and they came stumbling out, choking and dying as they fell near the entrance. The enemy was defeated?
“Ummm, savor the victory lads. If anyone asks, we beat the snot out of them ourselves.” The C.O. said almost embarrassed.
Somewhat confused, Spartacus got back in line with his remaining comrades and they began a quick march back towards home.
* * * * * *
The exterminator stopped his lethal spray and surveyed the area. His white van parked near the curb, the hedge near the wall, and a couple of tree branches over a bare patch of grass. A small ant trail wound its way through the yard. The red ants that had taken up residence in a hole in the house stumbled out and fell before they got very far.
Off in a field not too far away was a large ant mound, but he was only here to take care of the ant infestation in the house. The owner had said nothing about the giant ant nest in the field. Better off that way, he figured, he didn’t want to work any harder than he had to.
“Friggen ants,” he grumbled as he continued spraying the edge of the house.